How to make a fake ear and put on a play, not necessarily in that order

1

. Audition for a play called Fuddy Meers, the story of a woman who loses all her memories when she goes to sleep and who one morning is taken away by a limping man claiming to be her brother.

2. Land the role of The Limping Man. Congratulations! The Limping Man also lisps, is blind in one eye and deaf in one ear. The ear in question is scarred and clumpy.

3. Acquire one (1) pot of modeling putty and one (1) bottle of liquid latex (light flesh).

4. Wait for the other cast members to be rounded up like a gang coming together for one last heist.

5. Meet the 16-year-old girl who will play a 17-year-old boy. Because it’s 2018!

6. Remove a chunk of modeling putty and soften slightly by kneading it. Do not microwave!

7. Discover that the play has a lot – a lot! – of bad language, including one word in particular that you can’t bring yourself to say. Because it’s 2018. Negotiate which words will stand and which ones go too far.

8. Worry that your audience is going to have far different standards visà-vis words that go too far.

9. Flatten modeling putty into a rough C shape. Place the putty inside the shell of your ear.

10. While holding putty in place with one hand, use Q-tip to apply a coat of latex to the seam between putty and skin.

11. Dry latex with hair dryer.

12. Realize your hair dryer is nowhere handy. Get hair dryer. Repeat steps 10 and 11 until putty stays in place.

13. Begin rehearsals.

14. Lose two actors to serious family crises.

15. Cancel the show.

16. Add smaller pieces of putty around edges of ear and earlobe. Latex into place.

17. INTERVENTION: The producer declares you can’t cancel the show because the script has been paid for, publicity has been issued, it’s the new theatre company’s first production and reputations are on the line. He agrees to step into one of the roles. The stage manager agrees to take on the other role. To give these latecomers some breathing room, the first weekend of the show is canceled and four shows instead of three are scheduled for the second weekend.

18. Pull hair out of wet latex before it dries.

19. What?

20. PULL HAIR OUT OF WET LATEX BEFORE IT DRIES!

21. Oh.

22. Make sure that putty does not block actual ear hole.

23. Carry on with rehearsing, blocking, limping, lisping.

24. Do not worry that the latex and putty look all scarred and clumpy because, remember, your ear is supposed to look all scarred and clumpy.

25. Worry instead that, two weeks before opening, the 16-year-old girl (playing the 17-year-old boy) has suffered a ruptured appendix while in Germany on her school trip.

26. Apply smaller pieces of putty to skin around neck and jaw area to accentuate scarring effect. Add latex. Do not latex eyeball.

27. Note also that the 16-year-old’s mother is the former stage manager, now in the cast, and of course beside herself with worry.

28. Carry on. With your makeup, that is, until desired effect is achieved.

29. Pinch and shape latex/putty combo to create texture.

30. Repeat makeup procedure prior to every rehearsal/performance.

31. Find a 50-something man who can learn lines quickly to play the 17year-old boy, rationalizing that the play is all about disorientation anyway, so, yeah, get it…?

32. Carry on. With rehearsals that is.

33. Practice taking off the ski mask in Scene 1 to make sure you don’t accidently rip off fake ear and inadvertently suggest to audience that the limping, lisping man also has leprosy.

34. Discover that, from the audience, your ear doesn’t look quite ghastly enough. Add red makeup to latex/putty to accentuate ghastliness.

35. Carry on performing even when fellow actor bursts out laughing when you remove the ski mask and she sees how ghastly your ear is.

36. Open your show.

37. Be happy that 16-year-old former castmate is well enough to attend opening night.

38. Discover that audiences will support local theatre, no matter how unusual the play or how difficult the process, which they’ll have no clue about anyway, if all goes well.

39. Discover that people will laugh at bad words that go too far.

40. Pick latex out of your hair for the next two weeks.