Fridge-raiding roomate Dear Annie

MONDAY, JUNE 4, 2018

Dear Annie: I’m a recent college graduate, and I just moved into my first real apartment (as in, not campus housing). I found my current roommate, “Stella,” through a friend of a friend. She is very outgoing and laid-back. My problem is that I think she assumes everyone is as laid-back as she is. This mainly comes up regarding our food. Stella keeps eating all the snacks and drinks I buy for myself. Several times after I’ve gotten home from a long day of work and gone to the fridge to get out leftovers from the night before, I have found the container empty. (The empty container left in the fridge really adds insult to injury.)

I’ve tried bringing this up with her several times by asking, “Hey, have you seen my (missing food item)?” And she always answers as if she did nothing wrong, with something to the effect of, “Oh, yeah, I was hungry, so I dipped into that last night.” She usually follows that up by saying I should feel free to have some of her food. I always polititely decline. I really would prefer that we each just eat our own food. Am I being too uptight? How can I get her to stop doing this? — Refrigerator Robberies

Dear Refrigerator Robberies: Well, you could keep all your food in a refrigerated lockbox, but there are some more practical options. The first is to talk to your roommate. She doesn’t seem to be the type who grasps any sort of social code or nuances, so you need to be blunt. Tell her that it really bothers you when you come home to find your food eaten and that though you appreciate her willingness to share her own food, you’d prefer to stick to your own.

If she were to continue doing this anyway, it would indicate a profound lack of respect for other people’s things — not a great quality for a roommate. You might want to start looking for a new place, because living with her might never be easy.

Dear Annie: I have 10 grandchildren, ages 10 to 34, and I have good relationships with all of them. Not one has ever acknowledged the fact that I am a mother, too. I am their mother’s or father’s mother. I’m not alone in wondering why this is. Do their parents not teach them to acknowledge their grandmothers (or grandfathers)? There are a lot of us out here who are retired widows living alone, and it would be nice to be remembered. — Sad Grammy

Dear Sad Grammy: A belated happy Mother’s Day to you — and an early happy Father’s Day to all the grandpas out there. To those blessed enough to have grandparents in their lives: Don’t take them for granted. You don’t even need to wait for a holiday to reach out. Call your grandparents today, or send a card “just because.” It would take so little time and mean so much.

Dear Annie: Last night, my husband and I had our date night at a local Italian restaurant. Sitting next to us were four high school girls eating dinner. All four of them were on their phones. It appeared to me that two were texting each other while the other two were looking at social media and commenting on other people. They didn’t seem to be making eye contact or having any type of meaningful conversation.

As a mother of two middle school-aged daughters, this scene bothered me a great deal. I said to my husband, “How do we make sure this is not our daughters in five years?” He reminded me that we should talk openly with them about the importance of keeping your phone away during mealtime. We, as parents, need to be very mindful of our usage of phones and tablets. We agreed that if we don’t want our girls constantly on screens, then we need to reduce our time at the screens. We both thought about how much screen time we have. We have a lot of screen time after the kids go to bed, when we both take out our ipads to read our books. But sometimes our kids will come downstairs and say, “Mom, Dad, why are you on the ipad?” We explain that we are reading books, but all they see is the screen glow reflected from our faces.

I thought long and hard about it and told my husband that I want to go back to reading paper books so that the kids see us reading instead of staring at a screen. He said he loves his ipad for reading and doesn’t want to go back to paper books.

Do you think that we should go back to paper books to set a better example for our kids, or do you think we should embrace the technology and not try to stop it? — To E-book or Not to E-book

Dear To E-book or Not to E-book: There is no reversing the digital revolution, so it’s better to show your children how to use technology responsibly than to pretend it doesn’t exist. There is a big difference between using a tablet to read an e-book and using a tablet to play video games, watch movies, scroll through social media and do all those other things that occupy so many adolescents. I would suggest occasionally reading to your children from e-books so they will understand that when they see you and your husband reading from your ipads, you are actually reading books.

But I would also recommend reading from print books at least some of the time, not just for your children’s sake but for your and your husband’s. Research has suggested that we might engage more deeply with material when reading from paper. If you’re interested in learning more, I recommend reading a Scientific American article titled “The Reading Brain in the Digital Age: The Science of Paper versus Screens,” as well as the work of Maryanne Wolf, director of the Center for Reading and Language Research at Tufts University.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have made the decision to refrain from having children. People are very nosy, always asking when we will have kids, as we have been married for six years and I am 32. When I tell them we have chosen not to have children, which I consider a decent response, I get negative feedback. Some say, “You know, you should give your husband at least one child.” Others say, “Well, having children is the best part of life. You’ll definitely be missing out.”

How could I explain our choice in such a way as to elicit a simple “OK”? I am tired of validating my personal decisions every time I meet someone new. Thoughts? — Child-free and Tired of Judgment

Dear Child-free and Tired of Judgment: I admire you and your husband for choosing the path that is right for you and sticking to it in the face of social pressure. That takes courage and a firm sense of self. It would have been wrong to set out to have children when you knew in your heart you didn’t want to. You can try explaining that the next time someone gives you grief. You can also say with a kind and confident smile, “I’m glad parenthood has brought you so much joy, but it’s not for us.”

In the end, there’s no magic combination of words that will make people mind their own business. There will always be those who think they know what’s best for everyone else and aren’t afraid to say it. Just take comfort in knowing that their judgmental comments say far more about them than about you.

Dear Annie: I’d like to respond to the recent letters from “Planning Ahead” and others about aging parents moving in with adult children or to a senior living community. My mother has been a widow for 12 years. She was very active and independent, but she fell and hit her head at home, which caused bleeding on the brain, and had to be hospitalized. After two weeks in the hospital, she went into intensive rehabilitation. She desperately wanted to go back home, so we hired a live-in caregiver. After the caregiver left, we researched some retirement centers. It was still too difficult for her to be independent. But after researching the assisted living facilities, we felt they weren’t going to be enough for her.

My sisters, my husband and I decided it would be in her best interest to move in with us, as I was in a position to care for her. Never in a million years had I ever considered being a caregiver to anyone, as I have always worked in the public sector. But what a blessing it has been. I’ve grown closer to my mother than I ever thought possible, and it is truly an honor to care for her. I will be forever grateful for this time I’ve had with her and believe it was the best scenario for our mother. — A Happy Caregiver

Dear Happy Caregiver: I’m so glad your mom is doing better. You’ve spoken to a huge benefit of having an aging parent move in: You get to share more quality time than you most likely have since you were an adolescent. Thanks for writing.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.