Forced to quit? Dear Annie

THURSDAY, JUNE 21, 2018

Dear Annie: My girlfriend (of a year) and I are both in our mid-20s and are both smokers. In fact, that’s how we met — on the smoking patio of a bar, both out there alone because none of the friends we were there with smoked. We’ve both always talked tentatively about quitting, but in a vague way. So I was surprised when last week my girlfriend announced she was quitting cold turkey. She asked whether I wanted to quit at the same time so we could offer each other moral support. I’m happy to offer moral support, but I’m not quite ready to quit. Do I have an obligation to her to quit? Is it wrong for me to smoke around her now? I’ve been thinking about purchasing an e-cigarette and just doing that around her, because this seems like a healthier alternative. — Guilty Smoker

Dear Guilty Smoker: No, you don’t have an obligation to your girlfriend to quit smoking. You have an obligation to yourself. Every cigarette you smoke cuts your life expectancy by approximately 10 minutes, and the life of a smoker is, on average, 10 years shorter than that of someone who has never smoked. The great news is that if you quit smoking today, you can undo a good deal of that damage. According to a 2013 study by Dr. Prabhat Jha, director of the Centre for Global Health Research at St. Michael’s Hospital, “quitting smoking before age 40, and preferably well before 40, gives back almost all of the decade of lost life from continued smoking.” That doesn’t mean you should keep lighting up through your 39th year, however. Jha adds: “Former smokers still have a greater risk of dying sooner than people who never smoked. But the risk is small compared to the huge risk for those who continue to smoke.”

As for e-cigarettes, the American Lung Association writes: “We don’t presently know what is in e-cigarettes. However, in initial lab tests conducted in 2009 the FDA found detectable levels of toxic cancercausing chemicals, including an ingredient used in anti-freeze, in two leading brands of e-cigarettes and 18 various cartridges . ... A 2014 study found that aerosol from e-cigarettes ... contains ... formaldehyde.” In other words, e-cigarettes contain cancer-causing chemicals and addictive nicotine. Why substitute one crummy habit with another?

Now, I know that my haranguing is not great motivation. But look at the long list of benefits of quitting smoking and try to find something that does motivate you. For more information, http://www.lung.org/stop-smoking.

Dear Annie: I can definitely sympathize with “Unsure in Texas,” who wrote to you about getting invitations to graduations, birthday parties and weddings from people she doesn’t know well. My husband and I received an invitation to an open house from our financial adviser. Not only do we not know him personally but also we were referred to him when our financial adviser retired approximately two years ago. My husband brought up an interesting question: Do you think he would still provide us with good advice if we were not to attend and provide a gift for his daughter? My thought was that it was very tacky to send us the invitation. — Stuck in a Predicament in Indiana

Dear Stuck in a Predicament: I highly doubt your financial adviser would start giving you worse advice because you didn’t attend his open house. If he made business that personal, he wouldn’t be in business for long.

Dear Annie: I am not a fan at all of potlucks at work. First of all, I think it is rude to ask employees who have worked all day to bring food into work the next day. Secondly, I am concerned about the food that some people bring to work. Is it old? Has it been prepared in a hygienic environment? I feel that companies should have food delivered to their employees and not burden the employees with buying food, preparing food and dragging large slow cookers and trays of food into work. When the potluck circumstances arise, I think it would be best for employees to share the expense and have the food delivered. I am hoping others in the workplace see this and realize that a lot of people do not want to be burdened with the potluck ordeal. Could it be that I am just not a team player? Please advise. — Potlucked Out

Dear Potlucked Out: There’s a simple social contract for potlucks: Bring food if you want to eat; don’t eat if you don’t bring food. They’re optional by definition, so next time, opt out. You might find that a few of your co-workers follow suit. You probably aren’t the only one who doesn’t enjoy going home after a long day at the office only to do more work in the kitchen.

If management gives you any grief about not participating, pitch your idea of organizing a group takeout order from a nearby restaurant so you can all bond over a shared meal without the additional labor. Sometimes being a good team player means suggesting visit some changes to the playbook.

Dear Annie: I was a victim of office bullying for years. An older woman felt the need to always comment about my hair (if it was still damp, I got to hear about it) and makeup (how I didn’t wear enough of it), sometimes even in front of other employees. She took turns talking negatively about each employee. It was draining, as I was stuck in the office with her. (I had nowhere to run for years.) Others wouldn’t even stick up for me or themselves; they would end up just leaving the company. I wish I had stood up for myself, because this woman made my workdays — which made up such a big part of my life — so long and terrible. Now I work with positive people who don’t make daily digs or repeated negative comments, and it is great.

I guess the question I have is, Can I get over this? Why was this allowed for so long? Aren’t there laws against harassment in the workplace? I am sure others have had this experience. I hope no one else allows it for as long as I did. — Harassed for Years

Dear Harassed for Years: Harassment, verbal or otherwise, should be documented and reported, in writing, to management and human resources. If bullying is based on discriminatory grounds (such as sex, race or disability), you can file a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (https://www.eeoc.gov).

It’s in companies’ best interest to weed out toxic behavior in the workplace. As the Harvard Business Review reported, a 2015 study from Harvard Business School found that “avoiding a toxic employee can save a company more than twice as much as bringing on a star performer . ... Specifically, avoiding a toxic worker was worth about $12,500 in turnover costs, but even the top 1 percent of superstar employees only added about $5,300 to the bottom line.”

If thoughts about past harassment persist, you might consider seeking counseling. A counselor could help you talk through your experience and unpack any emotional baggage this office bully saddled you with.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.