Uncomfortable with male medical professionals Dear Annie

MONDAY, JULY 23, 2018

Dear Annie: I have a problem that I don’t think is unique to me. I am a senior in high school and an extremely modest girl. I have nightmares about being seen or treated by male doctors and nurses. My mother is insisting that I go to see her gynecologist, a young man. What she does not know is that a former boyfriend of hers sexually abused me several years ago. He died in a car wreck shortly after the abuse started, and his death devastated her so much that I decided it would do no good to upset her even more, so I never told her about what happened.

Now all I seem to be reading in the news are stories of how a lot of high-profile male doctors and nurses are being charged with all kinds of sexual offenses, making my concerns that much worse. To add to the situation, the mom of one of my best girlfriends is dating a male nurse who works at the local hospital, and he has been telling my best friend’s mom all kinds of horror stories about how several of the male nurses he works with are so sexually perverted that it disturbs him. And he explains that they know how to hide it so no one knows anything is wrong while they get their kicks from examining and giving bed baths to their female patients. Some of the patients even delight in telling others about “how nice and thoughtful” the male nurses are.

All of this leads me to ask: Unless they tell us or are caught, how do we know what a man is thinking in such medical settings? And how can I keep my mom from forcing me to do something I think would cause a lifetime of mental pain and torment for me? I don’t think I’m the only female with these feelings. Please try to answer this, as my mom reads your column. — Tormented and Distressed

Dear Tormented and Distressed: I am so proud of you for having the courage to write about what happened. Your heart was very much in the right place when you refrained from upsetting your mother with what her boyfriend did to you. But now you have to clear the air — either by telling a therapist or by telling your mom everything that happened.

You suffered a trauma with your mom’s boyfriend, so it makes sense that you would be concerned about other patients or even yourself having to endure the same type of ordeal. As for the mom of your friend, whose boyfriend is talking about the completely inappropriate behavior of his co-workers, tell your mom about this so that she can report it.

I am so sorry that you had to go through the experience you had with your mom’s boyfriend, but if you can take that hurt and use it as fuel to save future patients from being victims of abuse, you should feel pretty good about yourself. I know you can do it. After hearing your story, I’m almost positive your mother will understand your not wanting a male nurse or doctor to touch you. Many women and girls only feel comfortable with female doctors. That is their choice, and it should be yours.

Dear Annie: I am doing graduate work online for professional development in my field. The courses require a lot of reading. My manager approves of my course of study, but our organization’s policies do not allow eating lunch at the desk, because of the possibility of getting food in the computer keyboards. I bring my lunch to work rather than go to a restaurant, not only because of the cost but also because of food allergies. I need to use my lunch hour for reading my textbooks.

The lunchroom is the only place where I can eat in the office. At lunch, the rest of the staff gathers in there, gossips and shares pictures and videos (think baby pictures and kitten videos). Because I do not want to seem rude by ignoring the gossip and kitten videos, I have been driving off-site at lunch, to a nearby shopping center parking lot, and eating lunch and studying in my parked car. However, that takes extra time. I would like to just be able to eat and read my textbook while the others are gossiping and sharing their pictures and videos.

My co-workers know about my graduate work, and no one has put me down for it, but I am concerned that ignoring their gossip and kitten videos for a textbook in their presence might be construed as rude. So I ask you: Is it rude to study at noon in the office lunchroom? — Bookworm

Dear Bookworm: Don’t worry your well-read head. Your co-workers all understand that you’re completing graduate work, and they should be supportive of your study habits. To prevent anyone from taking your focused reading the wrong way, offer a disclaimer, such as: “I promise I’m not trying to be rude by ignoring everyone. I just need to buckle down and get some work done. But please feel free to talk and hang out here as normal.” I would recommend using noisecanceling headphones and white-noise (or binaural beats) apps to help you get in the studying headspace no matter your physical space.

Dear Annie: I am overwhelmed by my husband’s sister. We are in our mid-70s, and I have been in the family for 30 years. Not once have I ever been invited to her main home or vacation home (nor have I ever stepped foot in her homes), yet she has been in my home for lavish meals on countless occasions. She has also dined in restaurants with her husband and us at our expense. As children of the South, we were taught that when you accept an invitation in polite society, it is understood you then reciprocate. If you’re not willing to reciprocate, you shouldn’t accept the invitation.

She has always been as well-off financially as my husband and I are. I am shocked at her continued feeling of entitlement. My husband thinks the way she treats me is OK. Why? I am very angry with both of them. — Child of the South

Dear Child of the South: It sounds as if someone missed her lessons with Emily Post. It’s not just Southern hospitality that encourages people to be welcoming and thoughtful to guests. It is common decency, and your sister-in-law has worn through your hospitality. You should ask your husband what is going on. It makes no sense that all invitations go one way. Until you get to the bottom of it, you should hold off on inviting them back to your house.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.