Concerned about stepson Dear Annie
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(Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Settle any difference and keep moving forward. Someone unique will offer you an interesting perspective on your life and the improvements you can make. Don’t sit idle when so much can be accomplished.
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(Oct. 24-Nov. 22) — Take money matters seriously. Look for new ways to save or to put your money to good use. Don’t let emotional issues take the reins or turn into an expensive lesson.
VIRGO LIBRA SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 23-Dec. 21) — Consider all angles of a situation and communicate openly and honestly about what you’d like to see happen. Get a second opinion if you don’t trust the information someone is offering.
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Stick close to home and make the changes to your lifestyle that will make you feel more at ease. Someone or something from your past will help you move forward now.
CAPRICORN AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 19) — Keep your plans low-key until you have secured your position and you know what the outcome will be. Leave nothing to chance and you’ll have no regrets.
(Feb. 20-March 20) — Feel out situations intuitively before you get involved. Joint ventures should be weighed heavily before you invest your money. A false impression can lead to loss.
(March 21-April 19) — You can have fun and still be practical. Gauging what’s acceptable financially, physically and emotionally will help you set a healthy and productive path. Success comes with foresight.
(April 20-May 20) — A change of plans will be to your benefit. You are better off going about your business and getting things done than engaging in an argument.
PISCES ARIES TAURUS GEMINI
(May 21-June 20) — Personal improvements can be made. A day at the spa, spending time with a loved one or shopping for something that will enhance your looks are all favored.
(June 21-July 22) — Take time to do something creative. Pursuing a hobby or developing a skill or activity you enjoy doing can turn into a parttime moneymaker. Explore new possibilities and see where they take you.
(July 23-Aug. 22) — Don’t worry about what others do. Choose the path of least resistance. Doing things on your own will help you stick to a set budget and limit interference and discord.
CANCER LEO FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, 2018
Dear Annie: I’m writing about my 53year-old stepson, “Sam.” I helped to raise Sam starting when he was 11. His first mom was murdered with a handgun a year before. He was already difficult as a younger child and already into drugs, including alcohol. Things got worse. My husband and I made mistakes, mostly on the side of enabling. We’ve gotten some helpful counseling and learned a lot from Al-anon.
Sam did a little therapy years ago (some of it court-ordered) and used to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, but he doesn’t anymore. Too bad. AA helped him.
Sam is smart and kind and sensitive and tends to set himself up to be exploited and codependent, perhaps as a way of buying friends. I ache to see his patterns change, but they are out of my control. A few years ago, he lost his house because he didn’t pay his mortgage. His dad and I had bailed him out a couple of times, through loans that never got entirely paid back despite the written agreements and careful repayment schedules; the last time, he chose not to tell us he was ignoring the legal notices in the mail.
We don’t give him guilt trips about the money or mention it or even care, really. It’s cheaper than college would have been. But I’m sure he feels a lot of guilt. He’s a sensitive and principled guy.
Sam now lives in a sleazy efficiency apartment about 10 minutes from us. At least it gives him some kind of community. He is holding down a job, and things seem stable financially. But he has stopped returning his father’s texts asking him to get together for breakfast, and there’s been no acknowledgment of the birthday check we mailed him last week. (This letter is not about wanting a thank-you note!) A couple of weeks ago, I got my son-in-law to call him and say, “Hey, phone your folks!” He did, and we had the usual upbeat chat. We made a breakfast date. But he ended up flaking on that.
My husband’s heart is quietly breaking. We aren’t demanding a lot of Sam’s time, and we know it’s his life to live as best he can. But total non-communication has meant bad things in the past. I don’t want to have to go visit him in prison again.
My role these days is basically nagging his dad to text him one more time. (My husband of 40-plus years is a truly wonderful man, but he’s the passive/denying one; I’m the doer/rescuer. That’s not a brag.) I don’t know whether either of us is willing to devote more time to Al-anon or counseling. Our lives are getting shorter every day, and we’ve already poured a lot of emotional energy into the sinkhole. Should we keep trying to get Sam to respond? Or what? — Sad Stepmom
Dear Sad Stepmom: If it were that easy for you to detach from your stepson, you already would have. For most friends and family members of people with addiction, it’s difficult to set boundaries without outside support. I encourage you to give Al-anon another shot. I think you’ll find that it actually helps retrieve some of your emotional energy from the sinkhole. It’s great that you went before, but Al-anon, like Alcoholics Anonymous, is not a program you graduate from.
For more information and a list of meetings in your area, visit https://alanon.org.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.