Unwilling to be a reference

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2018

Dear Annie: A couple of years ago, when I was starting a business, a friend put me in touch with her friend “Margaret,” who had just started her own boutique marketing and public relations firm. I ended up hiring Margaret to help promote my new business. She was going to pitch articles about it to a few local publications (she was a part-time freelance writer), as well as some blogs, and she agreed to write copy for my website. All in all, I ended up paying her a few thousand dollars yet really had nothing to show for it. She never got any press for the business. She wrote a few hundred words of copy for my site. And she posted about the business on her own blog. I was disappointed but didn’t want to bother confronting her about it. My business was doing well enough. I just decided I wouldn’t work with her anymore.

Well, recently I got an email from Margaret. She wants to know whether she can use me as a reference for a potential client. I was pretty incredulous that she’d ask me for a reference after doing such a halfbaked job for me. I don’t want to be rude, but I really don’t feel comfortable serving as a reference. I’d hate for anyone else to be put in the same situation I was in. How do I handle this? — Not Impressed

Dear Not Impressed: You’re already doing her a kindness by not saying yes and telling her would-be client the truth. So don’t worry about being rude. Tell Margaret that you don’t feel comfortable serving as a reference, and leave it at that. She may ask you what she could have done differently to better serve your needs. Be honest. If she ever wants to succeed in marketing, she should value customer feedback.

Dear Annie: I have never written to a column such as yours, but the letter from “Tormented and Distressed” — a high school senior who wrote in about past sexual abuse and her fear of male medical professionals — changed everything. I am a retired critical care nurse, and what she describes about alleged male nurses is both horrifying and not typical of the wonderful professionals I know.

I am so sorry about what happened to her at the hands of her mother’s boyfriend. “Tormented and Distressed” needs to address her fears about male medical professionals, because her own life may depend on it. We never know when a medical emergency will occur involving us. It may be a car crash. It may be an unexpected illness or allergic reaction. It may be nothing but a fall that results in an injury requiring emergency care. But the last thing one needs in any medical emergency is paranoia about the sex of the person or people caring for you. If you refuse care from a male doctor or nurse, he has to honor this, but your life may be in danger while waiting for a woman to care for you.

I empathize with “Tormented and Distressed.” I was also terrified about having a male medical professional touching me — with my first breast exam, my first pelvic exam, etc. — but she will get past this. Most importantly, she needs to get past it before putting her own life in danger. — Been There, Too

Dear Been There, Too: You make a great point. This is yet another reason it’s important for “Tormented and Distressed” to seek help in processing her past abuse. Thank you for sharing your professional insight and personal empathy.

Dear Annie: I need advice regarding a recent nanny experience. I hired someone out of sheer desperation. I moved to a new town and have no friends or family around and am a single mother, and I had been with my 4-year-old son since March, one-on-one with no real breaks. I hired her from a reputable baby-sitting website that I paid to subscribe to.

However, I did not personally check her references and relied on the fact that the agency had posted that she was vetted. I know this will bring me much judgment and is an absolute no-no when it comes to motherhood; nonetheless, I did it. I left him for two hours with someone who works full time as a nanny and spoke and sounded pretty great. She came over, and they both seemed excited. I sent them to the pool and finally did my hour and a half of grocery shopping.

When I returned, I looked out the window to see how they were doing in the swimming pool. I was very perturbed to see him trying to swim away from her and her pulling him back by either his shirt or his legs numerous times. I then heard her say that no one would be coming for him. As I was beginning to walk down the stairs, I saw him hit her in the face, which was very warranted, in my opinion, and heard her say, “Do you want me to put your hands behind your back?” Then she proceeded to do just that — in a swimming pool to a 4-year-old. I bolted down. He was in tears, obviously. And we never saw her again.

My question is: What should I have done or said to her at the time? What am I to say to my son? I don’t want him to relive it yet, but I want to know his feelings. — Mom Trying Her Best

Dear Mom Trying Her Best: What’s done is done. We all wish we could have a time machine and erase any negative experiences that our children have had, but unfortunately, that is not life. Children and adults will all experience ruptures in their lives. The most important thing we can do is to repair the ruptures. Judging from your concern and letter, you are trying your best, so you are already way ahead of the game in the “good mom” department.

First things first, you must report this horrible woman to the agency and perhaps to the police. She should never be allowed to take care of children in any way, shape or form. Second, stop beating yourself up. You hired a baby sitter from a reputable agency. Third, and perhaps most important, is how to talk to your son about what happened. Tell him you are proud of him for sticking up for himself with the baby sitter, and reassure him that she will never be allowed back in the house.

If you sense reasons for concern in the future, don’t hesitate to seek the counseling of a professional child therapist to see whether there are steps you could take for both you and your son.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.