Children won’t listen Dear Annie

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2018

Dear Annie: My husband and I have four young children. Generally, our children are well-behaved; however, sometimes they don’t listen to me or my husband. It is incredibly frustrating for us, and we both lose our patience quickly with them. When this happens, we find that they start playing off one another and revolting against us.

This tends to get us both angry, and we raise our voices to try to keep our children listening and paying attention. As you can imagine, that makes the situation much worse. They tend to get upset about raised voices and worse moods and focus on that.

It feels as if our children are defeating us. I’m writing to ask how we can better control our tempers. I know the situation in our house could be smoother. Do you have any advice for us? — Desperate in Delaware

Dear Desperate: Stay in the moment, and if they’re acting harmlessly silly, try to be silly with them. Laughter and joy are two qualities that seem more accessible to children than adults. If you and your husband can find more moments of laughter in the chocolate that was just wiped on your sofa, for example, your family will be a lot happier. The fact that you wrote your letter tells me that your children are not defeating you. In fact, they are fortunate to have parents who care and are working to develop patience.

Dear Annie: I’m currently a freshman at a local university with a relatively large population of international students. My college is notoriously difficult, which means most of my time is spent at the library. I don’t mind the work, but I do mind the clouds of smoke that I have to wave away every time I’m leaving or entering the library. Though my campus is mostly smoke-free, there seems to be an unofficial smoking spot right outside the library doors. I’ve tried to be patient about the smoke because it only affects me for a few minutes each day and I understand that smoking is how some people deal with stress. However, I just found out that May 31 is World No Tobacco Day, and I would love to implement something on campus — maybe a health campaign of some kind. But after talking about it with a few friends, they think it could be seen as singling out international students, who tend to be the ones smoking outside. I get that other countries have higher rates of smoking than the United States, and I don’t want this to put blame or shame on certain demographics. Annie, do you have any advice on how to balance overall student health with cultural sensitivity? — Don’t Want to Cause an International Incident

Dear International Incident: You might ask university administrators whether they could move the smokers’ huddling place a little farther away from the library doors. That way, the students who want to breathe clean air while entering and exiting the library could do so, and the international students who want to smoke together could still congregate, only it would be in an unobtrusive area.

Dear Readers: I am always fascinated to hear diametrically opposed yet equally valid viewpoints. Such was the case with the following two letters, which both appeared in my inbox on the same day in response to “Undecided in Ohio,” who isn’t sure whether she wants kids. Read on.

Dear Annie: I have often read this column but never responded to an article. Today is different. I’m an 83year-old man. When my wife and I married in 1973, neither of us was interested in having children, though it was for different reasons. We are now well beyond the opportunity to change our minds on the subject. We also are now in a position to have a much different perspective on childbearing. We have no immediate family, no one to have shared our blessings or grief with and, above all, no grandchildren to celebrate. My wife would have been a wonderful mother, as demonstrated by her giving spirit and treatment of the many children who have come our way over the years. I might have even been a pretty good dad, but that isn’t for me to decide. We both did exactly what we wanted to do over the years, and it was wonderful then. Were we to go back in time and be confronted with this weighty decision knowing what we know today, we might make a different decision. — Different Perspective

Dear Different Perspective: I appreciate your honesty. That takes courage. I think many of us are too proud or afraid to admit our regrets. But please read on for a different perspective.

Dear Annie: I do not have children, but I have nieces and nephews and now great-nieces and great-nephews to whom I give love and attention and who give me love and attention in return. I had a fascinating career and an interesting life filled with travel and adventures. My nieces and nephews joined me on many of my travels and adventures. My brothers and sisters always accused me of planning my life in such a way that I enjoyed the best parts of having children while avoiding the tantrums and midnight trips to the emergency room. I agreed with them. I loved my surrogate children. I loved spoiling them. So I say to “Undecided in Ohio”: You do not have to give birth to children to have children in your life. Enjoy the children around you. Treat them as if they were your own. I am 80 years old, and when people ask me whether I have children or grandchildren, I tell them yes, I have children. — Children of Love

Dear Children of Love: for writing.

Dear Annie: I am 71 years old and live in central Florida. I grew up in Chicago during the 1950s and ‘60s. The advice columnist at that time was Ann Landers. I’m sure you have heard of her. In one of her columns, she asked her readers, “If you had to do it all over again, would you have children?” Seventy percent of respondents said they would not have children. I’m curious about what the response would be today. Would you be able to ask this same question in one of your columns? — Steve

Dear Steve: This is serendipitous; after hearing a few very different opinions on this issue recently (see the above letters), I was actually thinking of posing this question to my readers flat out. Your letter seals the deal. So, readers: If you had to do it all over again, would you have kids? I’ll print the results of this unscientific poll in a future column.

P.S. Ann Landers is my biggest inspiration. “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Beautifully said. Thank you

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.