Make America safe again
Office of the President Executive Order #3,179 Re: Self Defense
The President today authorized the following measures to combat a rise in incidents of multiple shootings. It is his firm belief that the only way to ensure that attacks by terrorists, psychotics and other assorted wing nuts is to encourage the general public to defend themselves in the time-honoured American way, that is by taking up arms. Sad. Therefore he immediately authorizes the following:
1. All public schools will offer mandatory small arms training to students and teachers alike. Those under the age of 12 will be restricted to .22 calibre hand guns while training for older students and teachers will include the use of the AK47 and the M1 carbine. Previous restrictions on the carrying of combat knives will also be rescinded.
2. From this date forward all places of worship including churches, synagogues, Quaker meeting houses, Buddhist temples, Mennonite gathering places, Hindu temples, and Hari Krishna assembly spots, but excluding Mosques, will be required to post armed guards at all entrances. They will also be required to have small arms available inside all venues of worship preferably in a handy spot like the rack that holds the hymn books. The size of the firearms will be up to individual congregations but the use of bazookas or anything larger than a 150 calibre machine gun is discouraged.
3. All those providing Yoga classes will require participants to carry a hand gun. It is recommended that these be of a smaller caliber able to be concealed inside lycra stretch pants or worn in a discreet and fashionable shoulder holster that will not interfere when completing the downward facing dog. Exercisers are cautioned not to lay the weapon on top of their towel or mat since this could cause accidents when doing the lion or eagle pose.
4. All cashiers in fast food restaurants, particularly those open on a 24 hour basis, will be required to have a hand gun, sawed off shotgun or a similar weapon on hand easily accessible from the cash register area. It will also henceforth be illegal to substitute the hand gun with the more popular black jack, baseball bat or iron bar.
5. Those owning night clubs, bars, discos, or any concert venue, including arenas, outdoor theatres and public parks where concerts are to be held can no longer require patrons to check legally acquired weapons at the door. Bouncers can, however, require that these weapons be in full view at all times and that the owners be restricted to no more than ten drinks during the evening.
6. All owners of companies with five or more employees, excluding family members, must offer a small arms training course. Owners will also be allowed to insist that all employees carry a side arm of their choice and to sign an affidavit that they will in fact use said weapon if push comes to shove. They will also be allowed to ensure that employees sign an affidavit absolving the employer from any responsibility for the accidental death of a customer who was only reaching for his wallet when shot.
7. As an added precaution any person employed in a high risk occupation such as teacher, yoga instructor, bank teller, Burger King cashier, swim coach, rabbi, school crossing guard, real estate agent or used car salesman can demand his employer provide him or her with a suitable bullet proof vest, preferably one made of Kevlar. These are readily available at stores throughout the country or online at outlets such as Ivankavests.com.
Signed on this the 7th of November, 2018
Donald J. Trump
President