Breaking the gift limit? Dear Annie

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2018

Dear Annie: With the upcoming gift season, I have a question regarding dollar limits set by clubs.

Say an amount is set at $10. Does that mean the gift value or the dollar amount spent on the gift? Recently, I had a coupon for candles that were “buy one, get one free.” This allowed me to purchase the $24 candles for $9.50. My friend said I should not give them at a $10limit party because I would make other gifts look cheap. This has come up several times before. What should I do? The club parties are starting soon! — Anxious in Florida

Dear Anxious: Would your friend like to bring in appraisers on the day of the exchange to inspect every gift and ensure compliance? The fact is that it’s silly to try to stringently regulate the value of gifts in an exchange. As long as you’re respecting the spending limit (and not looking for loopholes, e.g., giving away an expensive possession that technically cost you nothing), you’re fine. Happy gifting.

Dear Annie: This is in response to the letter from “A Very Grateful Mom” and your answer to her.

Ten years ago, my 15-year-old son was walking home from school, when he was hit by a car driven by a 91year-old man. It was a tragic accident, and my son died three days later. His father and I decided to donate his organs to see something positive come out of this tragedy. My son was generous and loved to give, so we wanted the end of his life to have meaning and have his giving spirit live on by donating his organs.

Several months after my son’s death, I received cards and letters from some of the recipients. The woman who received my son’s heart thanked us and let us know that she was now going to church and that she would now be able to see her own son get married. At that point in time, I wanted to just crawl into my son’s grave and die. I have never answered that woman, and I do not plan to. She must have forgotten that someone had died for her to live on. It was also a painful reminder that I would never see my own son get married.

I am appalled that “A Very Grateful Mom” was more or less complaining that the donor family had not contacted her. She should remember that in order for her own daughter not to have had to walk through death’s door, someone else’s child did.

There is no getting over the loss of a child. Time does not heal all wounds. Show some compassion and stop making demands on families. In other countries, contact between donor and recipient families is not permitted within the first year. Sadly, that is not the case in the United States. Please remind your readers to remember that organs come from people young and old, fellow human beings who were loved and belonged to families that will not celebrate another chance at life but will have to come to terms with death, grief and lives forever changed. — Grieving Mom

Dear Grieving Mom: I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son. It sounds as though he had a beautiful spirit. Your letter brought me to tears.

I do want to note that “A Very Grateful Mom” was not complaining that no one in the organ donor’s family had reached out; she just said that she hopes one day someone will so that she can properly thank the family. Your letter helps illuminate why that may not happen. Thank you for the insight.

Dear Annie: Yesterday my husband and I spent three hours on the road, traveling from our home to our nephew’s college football game. We told my sister we planned to attend his game and gave up tickets to a Division I game in our hometown. I called my sister on the way there to ask whether she could save us seats. It was then that I found out she wouldn’t be attending her son’s game. Instead, she had gotten tickets to the game we were missing.

The weather was perfect. The tickets cost only $5 each. And our nephew played about half the game.

The problem occurred after the game, when we stood on the field. We were next to my brother-in-law, waiting to greet our nephew, but we were completely ignored the whole time. First my nephew stopped at the other end of the field to greet his girlfriend. He finally appeared on our end and stopped on the right side of us to greet his friends and their father. He fought back tears as he stood looking at his dad and saying he hadn’t played well. We watched as my nephew took off all the tape on his hands and wrists. We kept staring at him, thinking he would at least look at us. But after another five or six minutes with no acknowledgment from my nephew or his dad, we headed for the car.

Were we expecting too much from our nephew to at least look at us? His team had lost in the final seconds, and the coach was furious at the whole team. I understood that our nephew was upset and feeling awful about himself, but how could he have not made eye contact with the relatives who have spent every major holiday and family event with him since he was born?

Is this the new behavior for college students? My sister says that he was disappointed and that she knows her husband is rude but there is nothing she can do about it. I always have everyone here for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Should I go ahead with all that entails and pretend that all is well? Do you have any advice for me or others who experience this type of behavior? — Disappointed Aunt

Dear Disappointed Aunt: No, you should not go on as if all were OK. It’s time to have an open and honest conversation with your nephew and his father about your feelings. Tell your nephew that you enjoyed watching him at the game. Clearly, your nephew was disappointed with his playing and the team’s loss, and that is always tough for any player. But disappointment is never an excuse for rudeness. Perhaps he didn’t see you or was embarrassed and didn’t want to cry in front of you. Regardless, you will never know until you speak with him and tell him how much you enjoyed just watching him.

His father is a different story. If your sister won’t do anything about his behavior, then it is up to you and your husband to have a kind and honest conversation with him to let him know that your feelings were hurt when he didn’t acknowledge you at his son’s game.

Only after you have these conversations should you decide about Thanksgiving and Christmas. The holidays are a time of forgiveness and celebration, so if I were in this situation, I would invite them and not let this one snub affect the holiday plans.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.