Tough love is needed Dear Annie

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2018

Dear Annie: Over the past year, I’ve discovered that there are some people in this world who are OK with “just getting by” with what is available — including leaning on or using what another person under the same roof has.

How does one inspire another to get a job and thus the money and things needed for life?

I have supported the one under my roof with encouraging words and actions, such as providing transportation and giving information about job openings. I know that when you’re a relative, you need to give tough love, but what makes a person who doesn’t have any drive become independent?

Is there anything more I could say or do for this person? — Big Heart but Empty Pockets

Dear Big Heart but Empty Pockets: As long as you continue to act as a crutch for this person, he or she will continue to lean on you. Though your big heart is in the right place with all the assistance you’ve offered, sometimes the best way to help a loved one is not to — or at least not in hands-on ways. Set emotional and financial boundaries. Don’t do the job hunting for this person. Don’t give him or her any more money unless you’ve got a financial safety net for yourself, you really want to give the money and you truly believe that it will ultimately serve this person well in the long run.

Even more importantly, make sure you’re not neglecting your own health, hobbies or friendships. In short, take care of yourself and let the person under your roof learn to take care of himself or herself.

Dear Annie: My stepdaughter just passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer. Her mom was still in her life, and I had been a part of her life for 14 years. We had a very good relationship and spent lots of quality time with her and her family.

What has been upsetting is that the condolence cards are being sent to my husband only. I am left out. I understand she was not “my daughter,” but I am also grieving her loss and feel I should be included. Am I wrong?

I hope others will read this and include the stepfamily, as well, when sending condolences. — Left Out

Dear Left Out: No, you are not wrong for feeling hurt. She was your family, too. I hope your letter encourages others to be inclusive of all family during the grieving process.

Dear Annie: Thank you so much for printing the letter from “Be Kind,” who wrote about not shaming older trick-or-treaters. We have several friends who are foster parents. They take in many children who haven’t ever gone trick-or-treating. Some are young, and some are old. As was mentioned, you never know, so please be kind. To quote a friend of mine, “I’d rather have teens trick-or-treating than getting into trouble anyway.” — Bridget

Dear Bridget: I totally agree. There’s never harm in erring on the side of kindness.

Dear Annie: My sister and I grew up in a pretty troubled home. Thankfully, I got out of the house by leaving for college, but my sister has not been so lucky. School has never been easy for her, so she is still stuck in a toxic home environment. I make sure to show her lots of support and listen whenever she needs someone to talk to. I know that helps, but I always wish I could do more. Our family is struggling financially, so we cannot help pay for her to move out. While she’s still at community college, it seems that her only option is to spend the next couple of years saving up her earnings from a part-time job until she can afford to get a place of her own. Is there anything else I could do? I hate seeing her suffering this way. — Survivor’s Guilt

Dear Survivor’s Guilt: You say you wish you could do more, but you are already doing more than you seem to realize simply by showing your sister support and listening to her whenever she needs someone to talk to. Those are not small things. They can mean the difference between hope and despair. A trouble shared is a trouble halved, after all. Keep being the loving and supportive big sister that you are, and trust that your sister will get through school and out of your parents’ house soon.

Dear Annie: Another helpful piece of advice for “Sitting Around,” who lost her job and is feeling idle and lazy at home, is to get exercise. She already has the built-in structure of meeting with friends for coffee. Maybe a few times a week, instead of or in addition to that, they could exercise together. It could even be something as simple as going for a 30minute walk. The physiological effects of exercise are similar to those of antidepressants. Exercise releases endorphins, which help a person feel good (and maybe would give “Sitting Around” the energy boost she needs to be more motivated and productive). Volunteering could also make her life more meaningful and have similar positive effects. — Catherine, RN

Dear Catherine: It’s amazing how invigorating exercise is. I suppose it’s related to one of Newton’s laws: Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Once you get your body moving, it’s much easier to get your mind and spirit moving, too. Thanks for your letter.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and ebook. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.