Have you tried turning it off and on again?

In the British series “The IT Crowd,” the running gag is the incoming phone call to the IT Department, with the standard and immediate response being, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” It’s a great gag because we (the tech-savvy viewers) get to scoff at the unidentified callers (moronic drones) who can’t troubleshoot their way around the most basic problems with their computer/printer/internet/yea, even unto the fax machine.

I laugh with smug delight because I can certainly find my way around a network printer. I can even install a network printer, which impresses the ladies no end. I can send things up and down from the cloud like I was the water cycle personified. In my house, I’m the person they count on to fix all technology problems, when, trust me, they don’t ask me to fix anything else.

I’m called on to fix these things, mind you, because, as with real-world IT guys, there’s the sense that I’m the one who broke it in the first place. That’s why when I got home last week and found that the internet was out, I knew it was imperative to get it running as soon as possible. Otherwise, it would be, “Dad!

The internet’s not working! It’s not working! What’s wrong with it? Why? My world is collapsing! Make it work! MAKE IT WORK!”

So I did what you’re supposed to do when the internet goes out: I tried turning it off and on again. I rebooted the router, the modem, my devices. It was connecting, but the message kept popping up, “Server not found.”

I looked at the power supply. The black plug was in the wall, as always. I removed the jack from the modem, waited 10 seconds, and put it back in. I did the same for the router. Finally, I gave in and phoned our provider.

“I’ve tried turning it off and on again,” I said pre-emptively because I thought my technician might appreciate the reference. Also: it’s good advice.

“Let me look into it,” he said. “Hmmm, there’s no interruption of service. Are there lights flashing on your modem?”

I walked over to where the modem and router were, on the desk with the afternoon light streaming in. “It’s hard to see the white lights because of the sun, but I think they’re on,” I said.

“That’s your router,” said the tech guy. Embarrassing. “The modem, the small box, are there lights?”

I squinted at it. “Really hard to see any. Like I said, it’s really bright over here.”

“Is it plugged in?” he asked.

“Yes, it’s plugged in. It’s right here.” I followed the cord of the black plug from the wall socket and found… the jack plugged into nothing. I then followed the cord that led from the modem to discover its plug sitting on the table behind the books.

“It was unplugged!” I told the IT guy. “Someone unplugged it and plugged in another black plug that looked just like it.”

“Is there anything else I can do for you today, Mr. Murray?”

I wanted so badly to explain to the IT guy. I wanted to demonstrate to him that I’m not like those other dunderheads who call because they’ve accidentally cut the power supply. I wanted to describe in detail the mess of cords that tangle like weeds in our own little IT corner of the house. I wanted him to drop everything, grab his car/scooter and get over here so I could show him how bright the afternoon sun is; we don’t even have blinds on that window. I wanted him to meet my family, who would provide testimonials – written affidavits, if necessary – that I do indeed know my way around software without having to use air quotes when I say I “fixed” it. I wanted to tell him about all the stereos I’ve hooked up over the years. I wanted to explain to him what a stereo is. I wanted to introduce him to my children so he could understand that there are people – savages, really – who unplug plugs without considering that those plugs might be powering important things, like the internet, my God, the internet! The INTERNET! I wanted to demonstrate to the IT guy – nay, I needed to demonstrate, like my entire self-worth depended on it – that I was not the type of person to whom you have to sardonically suggest, “Did you try turning it off and on again,” though it turns out I apparently am. “No, I’m fine. Thanks,” I said.

“Have a good day, sir.”

What a joke.