Unmatched gifts causing resentment

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2019

Dear Annie: My son is in his mid-40s, and his wife is in her early 40s. Every year, my wife and I send them a generous check on their birthdays, anniversary and Christmas. They both are successfully employed, so this is not a financial issue. On our birthdays, anniversary and Christmas, we are lucky if we get a greeting card acknowledging the occasion. No flowers for my wife — especially on our anniversary or birthday — nothing, nada, zilch. I used to remind him that his mother’s birthday or anniversary was coming up. Eventually, I realized that he was a grown man and not a little boy anymore. (Sometimes, it takes me a while to realize things!)

Recently, my wife and I had an argument concerning this situation. My feeling: We should send a card but forget the check. My wife still wants to send our hard-earned money to these two middle-aged people who, in my opinion, don’t appreciate what we have been doing all these years. — Frustrated Father

Dear Frustrated Father: Are you giving gifts to your children because you expect something in return or because you want to give to them? Ask yourself whether it feels good to send these presents to your son and daughter-in-law. No matter the age of the person receiving the gift, it is nice to be a contribution. That is my guess as to why your wife still wants to send the check. You are correct that in a perfect world, a son and daughter-in-law would always acknowledge their mother’s and father’s birthdays. But who knows what is going on in their lives.

Instead of reminding him that it is his mother’s birthday, directly tell your son that he should get your wife a present or send a card for her birthday. Or have a frank discussion on gift expectations. Remember, no one is perfect, and sometimes even grown children need gentle reminders from their parents on the right way to act.

Dear Annie: I know there are a lot of people who are receiving calls from scammers. I was one of them. It was so frustrating to get up to six calls a day from these people. Finally, I came up with a phrase that has (at least for the last two weeks) stopped the calls. I simply told them that I knew this was a scam call and that they would not get anything from me.

I hope that other people will be able to use the same phrase and put a stop to these annoying calls. — Darlene M.

Dear Darlene: This is a massive problem in desperate need of a comprehensive solution. Answering the phone and asking them to stop calling you seems reasonable. It can’t hurt, right? Except, apparently, it can: If a scammer (or a robocalling software) randomly dials a number and detects a voice, it has confirmation that that is a working phone number. The same thing can happen if a spammer is sent directly to your voicemail. Then you might end up getting even more spam calls.

I’ve heard that playing a recording back that says the number has been disconnected can be a crafty way to trick spammers into removing your name from their list. It’s crafty but takes a lot of time and effort. Short of that, several apps have arisen as weapons in the battle against robo-spam. They include Robokiller (which won a prize from the Federal Trade Commission), Truecaller and Hiya. If I hear of any other good tips, I’ll print them here.

Dear Annie: My mom is in her 80s and in so-so health. She’s at home for now with a full-time caregiver. There are three siblings who all take turns with her. The problem is that we’ve started to disagree. Even though the decision-makers are legally in writing, the oldest constantly battles us for what she wants to happen in any given situation. We end up caving in and resenting her to keep peace in the family.

Three is never a good number anyway; someone is always the odd one out. Rest assured, it is never her. At times, we get a barrage of phone calls and emails on Mom — what she ate, if she pooped, if she needs milk at the store, you name it.

Annie, all these things are insignificant and solvable. We all see her regularly, and we trust the aides who are doing a great job and are well paid by Mom’s estate, thanks to my dad leaving her in a good spot financially. I am worried about the bullying and the controlling if something critical were to arise, like if Mom needed assisted living or broke a hip.

We get berated and screamed at by the oldest if she doesn’t get her way. I love my mom and just want to visit her for as long as she has left, without the family angst. In addition, I want to spend time with my own family without being summoned for a pseudo-emergency on a weekend. Mom’s time left is precious little, but my time now is busy with work and kids, so I am trying to make the most of it and keep everyone happy.

I can’t seem to get through to this family member. When I raise these issues, she accuses me of not pitching in and seeing Mom as an inconvenience, neither of which are true. We’ve tried taking turns, assigning jobs or situations, and she ends up sticking her finger in all pies and going over our heads anyway. I feel this wastes everyone’s time. The last straw came when, on the advice of a friend, we had chosen a new doctor specialist for Mom and made an appointment. My sister canceled it so we could interview other doctors, something that the rest of us felt was unnecessary, not to mention that it delayed my mom’s visit. I am quickly approaching caregiver burnout even though I am not physically tasked with the diaper-changing or the errand-running. My mom is unaware of this as she is sometimes in a happy fuzzy state. — Concerned CareDaughter

Dear Concerned Care-daughter: Caving in and then resenting your sister is never a good way to repair relationships. On the other hand, it sounds like your sister has taken it upon herself to think that she knows best for your mom, and she is going to make that known. If you are not interested in daily calls and emails about your mom, kindly ask your sister to stop sending them.

If you are super busy with work and family, and your sister is not so busy, why not let her make more decisions? Your only real goal is for Mom to be happy. If letting some of your sister’s overbearing or overprotective tendencies slide, so long as no one is getting hurt, then do it. It is difficult to watch your parent age, and everyone deals with this differently. Her way might be trying to micromanage everything, and your way might be to have a short fuse with her micromanaging.

In addition, you began your letter by saying that three’s a crowd. Perhaps your sister is feeling left out. Be the bigger person and try to include her more or hear what is driving her concerns.

Dear Annie: My wife is a self-employed accountant, and she did work for some friends a few years ago. She billed them at the time for several hours of work, charging a modest fee. It was a complex situation, and another accountant was involved, representing a different family member. The work itself and number of hours were very similar, yet he charged his client six times what my wife charged her clients; her clients were aware of the huge break they were getting. She gave them the break because they’re old friends. Still, they have blown off her bill since then. It’s thousands of dollars. My wife has not charged interest or late fees.

The couple have plenty of money, with both being very successful. They constantly flaunt it.

My wife is reluctant to pursue them because of the friendship, even though they’ve been astonishingly cold and unresponsive. Though it doesn’t sound like much of a friendship to me, I’m not in her shoes. I can understand why she doesn’t want to send a collection agency after them, yet I don’t see any other way. — Owed in Owensboro

Dear Owed: Your wife sounds like a generous person. Her “friends,” on the other hand, might be rich in finances, but they’re poor in integrity. Before you call a collection agency, you and your wife need to have an honest conversation with them and tell them exactly what you told me. If they still don’t respond, then they were never your friends at all, and you should turn the account over to a collection agency, knowing that their “friendship” was not real. Let’s hope it’s an oversight on their part.

Dear Annie: To “We Would Prefer More Time, Too,” the man whose visits to his hometown are filled with requests from friends to spend time with them: My son lives overseas, and his visits home are filled with similar requests. This solution isn’t perfect, but it works for us.

As soon as we know that he’ll be in town, we begin looking for one day that we can set aside as a “friends and family” day. We put the word out, through Facebook and emails, inviting everyone to stop in any time after noon for food and a visit. I provide a simple buffet-style meal, and kids are welcome. Because he always comes in the summer, we sit outside, and the kids play in the yard.

We get a steady stream of guests. Some drop in for a few minutes. Some sit and visit for hours. His close friends always come, and there are always some surprise guests, too — old coaches, teachers and classmates. I enjoy seeing these visitors as much as he does! — Works for Us

Dear Works for Us: I love how you’ve made each of your son’s visits home an occasion to celebrate togetherness with friends and family new and old. A great tradition. Thank you for sharing.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com

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