Open to the Spirit
Today’s word: Eulogy
1) All of us who are spiritual leaders are called to lead funeral services from time to time. Sometimes families want a eulogy read, a summary of someone's life with anecdotes of a personal nature. I prefer to have family members write such memories, especially for people I don't know well. How do you sum up a person's life with a few words on a page? This task might become even more difficult for those whose lives have been problematic or filled with tragedy. Still it is important.
When I was a student my grandmother died. She had a wonderful laugh and loved to play games with us. The priest at the funeral, however, had never met her and the family was not consulted about the service, which was a series of formal lessons and prayers. Her name was only mentioned twice, once at the beginning and once during a long prayer. It was as if he was reading from a text with a blank space “Insert name here”. I was a pallbearer and sat in the back seat while the priest and driver were in the front. They shared funny funeral stories, and in my grief I was so angry and upset. That memory stayed with me. A few years later I was ordained and made a promise to myself that I would never be so formal and uncompassionate.
A eulogy is a really significant event. Sharing memories is important. Funerals should have a personal element. These days, I am also aware that some families choose not to have any religious service. How then will they be able to deal with grief? Everybody's life is precious and has meaning. Eulogies are important and need to be crafted with care.
2) When a loved one dies, if the relationship has been a good one, all those little day-to-day annoyances seem to fade away. All that we remember are the good times, the shared adventures and the common values. What a gift that is! It’s as if we are able to shed the judgmental attitude that, in our daily lives, prevents us from focusing on all the wonderful characteristics of our loved one. Sometimes, when we look back, we see things we missed when they were still with us. I remember a very quiet member of our community. It was easy not to notice him for he was so discrete. Yet when that presence became an absence I realized how much I missed his measured words, his helpful suggestions and the quiet way he went about helping others and showing his concern.
How does one summarize a whole life, be it short or long, tragic or inspiring? What words can we find to honour our human passage through this earth plane? Though we may stumble at the task, it is important to spend time and do our best. When a loved one leaves us, we are reminded in a poignant way, of just how finite we are. Our time here is limited. We need to make the most of it. Putting words to a loved one’s life is the best way we have to hold up the values and lessons they have passed on to us and to express our gratitude for what they gave us.
This past month my mom died. Through all the ups and downs of my life she has been my rock, my anchor and my reminder of who I am. When our last parent dies, we become the holder of our own life story and the keeper of the values they have passed down to us. My mom taught me steadfastness, strength in the midst of the storm, love , courage and caring. Though not a woman for showy words of affection she made up for it by the astoundingly beautiful birthday cards that never failed to come in the mail every year. I will miss you greatly Mom. God speed.
3) As a member of the clergy I have written many eulogies over the years. I have written about the lives of mothers, fathers, children, good hearted souls and mildly grumpy elders, yet each person clearly made their mark in this world in their own unique and magical way. It is a powerful experience to find a way to weave these parts, these puzzle pieces of memory into a life story in a way that truly honors someone, while also making sure that it is a realistic portrayal of the person. Everyone has a beautiful side, but of course, everyone has their imperfections too. The greatest compliment I can hear after giving a eulogy is “you really got them”.
But it is the process of writing a eulogy that is often the most meaningful. To tell a story, you have to take the time to do some digging. Sitting in the living room, asking questions and pulling out the memoirs and stories, you really get to see the powerful mix of emotions that each life brings. There is always laughter, some tears, and sometimes those precious quiet moments of the painful acceptance of loss. This experience of sharing memories is important, because it is really just an opening. It is the beginning of the story telling, the beginning of the process of holding on and letting go, to life and to the reality of a future without a loved one.
A eulogy can only give a taste of a person’s life, and even if you can make you way from a person's childhood to their death, what fills in between is only the beginning. Beyond the memories, beyond the stories, it is the relationships, the actions and the holy moments that each person has brought into this world that will be the truest and the strongest memories. This is something that is eternal--it is beyond words, and it does not have an end. This is when we walk out into the world, and take the blessing of the life that was lost, and bring it out into the world our words, our actions and our love. In a very real way, a eulogy reminds us that held with care and strength, even loss can lead to life.
4) What a daunting and sacred task, to sum up a life. If you've ever had occasion to deliver the eulogy for friend or loved one, you know this. In a matter of minutes, you try to lift up the essence of an entire lifetime, no matter how long. In the midst of the gathered and grieving, acutely aware of your own grief and loss, you encounter your own mortality.
I used to train lay chaplains to design and conduct meaningful rites of passage. In the workshop called "Challenging Memorials" we explored how to craft that pivotal moment in any celebration of life. Students selected a random scenario from the hat, then created a memorial for that person. It could be child lost in a fatal car crash, a mother of young children dying of cancer, murder of a prominent political figure, a teen abducted, a family wiped out in a house fire, a homeless man with no known family. In the devastation after a traumatic death, the celebrant rather than one of the mourners may be the only one able to speak.
Like any good novel, the eulogies written were no less real or profound for being fictional. Identifying core themes in lives richly lived, both dark and light were honoured, each person was complex and unique. In the silence at the end someone asked: When it's your ashes in the urn, what do you want to be said about you?" That question resulted in new workshops entitled "Designing Your Own Memorial" and "Leaving a Legacy of Values."
Try it. Write your own eulogy as a spiritual practice. Do a thoroughly honest and compassionate life review as you would for a friend or loved one. Mine your story for wisdom gained, good works, failed moments, gifts given and received, challenges met or struggles survived, loves and losses that make you who you are. Accept your own mortality, layer by layer. How do you wish to be remembered ~ while you are still here?
One word, four voices - now it's your turn to reflect: Have you ever given the eulogy at a memorial, or heard one that was unforgettable?
Rev. Mead Baldwin pastors the Waterville & North Hatley pastoral charge; Rabbi Boris Dolin leads the Dorshei-emet community in Montreal; Rev. Lee Ann Hogle ministers to the Ayer's Cliff, Magog & Georgeville United Churches; Rev. Carole Martignacco, Unitarian Universalist is retired from ministry with Uuestrie and now resides in St. Andrews by-the-sea NB, but keeps one foot in the Townships by continuing with this column.