In sickness and in health
Aweek before Christmas in 1998, Grace and I stood together holding hands in the wedding chambers of Toronto City Hall. It was a modest affair, shared with a few friends. The chambers were being renovated and we were married under a stairwell in a small room. The signs of construction were partially obscured by large vases of fresh cut flowers. We were in love, and the intimacy of this small room was a perfect expression of the day.
The detail that made the most impression on me at the time came during the marriage vows, the promises that we made in love and promised to keep as we grew together in our bonds of marriage. For some reason the phrase “in sickness and in health” resonated with me in that heady moment. The conjunction “and” joined us together in ways that I had yet to fathom.
Out of the blue a few years later Grace was afflicted with mania. Her story of her hospitalization and long and ongoing recovery and management of bipolar depression is chronicled in her accounts, published in The Record.
There’s another phrase that began to have special meaning for me: folie a deux. The romance of watching the sun rise after a crazy sleepless night quickly escalated into paranoia. We both needed help.
After many trips to the emergency ward, we were finally directed to Urgence Mentale at the Hotel-dieu. When she was finally admitted to the care of the hospital I was left alone. We were separated and this was frightening for me as well as Grace. I had this sensation of dropping out of warp speed, watching her fly off without me.
The hospital was necessary phase of intervention and I am thankful for all the help and care and understanding Grace received. This time also gave me an opportunity to recover, to enter back into life, and to learn about this disease.
The real trial began when Grace was discharged and fell into a deep depression. We were together, but we were apart emotionally. This was the most trying experience of my life, soldiering on with the hope that my partner will recover, that I must remain patient and attentive while the world continued to spin on indifferent to our suffering. I learned that statistically I had a 30% chance of remaining married.
It turns out I had about the same chances of retaining social bonds. Ignorance and fear drove a wedge between us and those who we found to our dismay were not strong enough emotionally to deal with the changes and trauma. Friends scattered. Family looked for and laid blame. As the healthy person, and as “the man,” I felt I had to shoulder the brunt of unkindness and indifference that came from all quarters.
What still shames me to this day is the feeling of self-pity that arose from time to time. Through my own research I today know this is a natural expression of the trauma that I didn’t have the luxury of owning while Grace was incapacitated.
Left largely to own devices (and the dedicated care of a trusted psychiatrist) our world collapsed onto itself. We were together in sickness and health.
In the end there’s a lot of wisdom that comes from living with this disease. A perceptive person observed that the world is bipolar. We live in the world, with its pressures for success, its competition, but how we choose to engage them is, I have learned, itself a choice with enormous consequences for our well being. I live better as a result. The choices we make together clarify what matters and what doesn’t.
I am a better, more empathetic person as a result of honoring my marriage troth, of living with a bipolar survivor. My work and my relationships with students as a university professor—my troth to the mission of our university—is not an escape, but is enriched by my experience and the knowledge about mental illness and its pervasive nature.
What I have learned most is that love is not just a word exchanged in a ceremony. It’s reality is formed in the crucible of health and tempered in the fires of sickness. “And” we go on.
A professor in the Department of English at Bishop's University, Shawn Malley is interested in opening literary and film analysis to questions about mental health with his students. As the University Ombudsperson, Shawn also promotes mental health awareness on campus.
Mental Health Estrie: Support for English-speaking families and individuals affected by a mental illness. Peer support groups. One-on-one support. Information and referral. Educational events. Lending Library. Web: www.mentalhealthestrie.com Phone: 819-5653777 Email: mhe.info@bellnet.ca
Urgence Detresse Crisis Hotline: 819-780-2222 Suicide Prevention Hotline Across Quebec: 1-866-APPELLE
Info Santé: 811 (option 1 for a nurse, option 2 for a social worker)
CLSC: Call 811 to find your local number
CHUS Hotel-dieu & Fleurimont Hospitals: 819-3461110
Order of Psychologists (Hotline to find a psychologist near you): 1-800-561-1223