Dear Annie
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2020
Dear Annie: I know of a situation that I think needs to be addressed but I’m not sure how. My 15-year-old daughter has a friend, “Dawn.” Dawn’s mom, “Lucy,” married a widow, “Reba,” two years ago. Reba sold her home and bought a house with Lucy at Lucy’s suggestion. Reba is probably in her early to mid-60s; Lucy is much younger.
Lucy talks to my daughter about how they use Reba. All they have to do is ask for something or imply they want something, and they know that Reba will get it, because if Reba even thinks about denying them, they completely shut her out and none of the family will speak to her for days. What my daughter understands is Reba is now in a position where she cannot move out because she put all of her money into the house they bought. Dawn says her mom will not even consider selling the house to give Reba her money back. Maybe Dawn’s moms will read this and know that people know what is going on. I would appreciate your take on this and any suggestions. -- Concerned in Vestavia
Dear Concerned: Stop letting your daughter spend time at that house, as she shouldn’t learn from that kind of example. Continue to let Dawn come to your house, so that hopefully she can learn from yours. All the rest is the family’s business, for better or worse. Leave it be.
Dear Annie: I am writing in response to the letter from “Grateful Grandma,” the relatively young grandmother who is raising her grandson. She described her frustration of being treated differently than the other sports moms. She pleaded with parents to invite her grandson over, be patient with him and “understand that he’s a bit high strung” due to his circumstances (neither parent is involved in his life).
As a school psychologist, I see many children who are being raised by other family members, including grandparents, and I applaud them for giving these children loving homes. I also see that parents can be defensive about a child who is struggling in one way or another, understandably, and may not see that the child needs intervention of some sort to be socially successful. Maybe this is part of what is going on, maybe not, but I suggest that Grandma ask the boy’s teachers, current and past, how his social skills are at school. If they have already shared concerns, don’t brush them off, because they get to see your grandson in a social atmosphere all day. Talk to coaches as well.
If he is having difficulties with self-regulation, impulsivity, getting along with peers, etc., the other parents may be hearing that from their children and are reluctant to reach out to him. Family counseling, behavior therapy and other options may help. I’m sure the school could provide her with some referrals for support if this does turn out to be a factor. -- Another Perspective
Dear I value your expertise and appreciate this letter. Perhaps it will shed some additional light on the situation for “Grateful Grandma.”
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www. creatorspublishing.com for more information.
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