Friend keeps going back for more

Dear Annie

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2020

Dear Annie: Recently, an old friend got back in touch with me. He had gotten a divorce, and I wanted to be a friend to him because he was going through a lot of grieving. His ex-wife had alcohol issues and was abusing her bipolar medication. She also, prior to their marriage falling apart, got gastric bypass surgery and, after the procedure, began having extramarital affairs. He caught them and found out who one of them was one day.

The situation came to a head when she came home drunk and barely could speak. There was a big fight, and he put her in rehab. This led to their divorce. Then, when she got out, she looked up an old boyfriend and ran to live with him. When that relationship fell apart, she went back home to her parents, only to start dating a guy she met in Alcoholics Anonymous. They quickly married, and that marriage only lasted a year and a month.

One day, I saw on social media that my friend was beginning to talk to his ex again, and before I knew it, he was back in her life. I was shocked because we had talked at great length about everything and how he hated her. Even more upsetting is that, during the time we were talking, my friend had to go on dialysis for kidney failure. I thought for sure that, if anything, he would choose to move closer to his family in New Jersey, but instead, he has moved in with his ex-mother-in-law, and his ex-wife lives there.

He says he is planning on saving money to make a life there. I really don’t know what to believe. She said she accidentally read one of my text messages to him -- yeah, right; wasn’t born yesterday -- and that their relationship now is about kindness and forgiveness. She lies about everything on social media. She talks about dying to be thin and likes to make a spectacle of her lost weight and how she lost too much, but then will post other pictures saying she looks good for 55. She says she’s always been a good mother, but she ran around for the last five years without being much of a mother.

My friend says he won’t leave Florida because his boys live there. They are like 31, 29 and 27 -- big boys who certainly can take care of themselves. I just have been in such shock over all of this that I had to leave the friendship. It just seems too codependent on his behalf, and she is somewhat of a narcissist. She lives for attention yet doesn’t have a good opinion of herself. She lies about the truth, but that could be part of her illness -- who knows? Do you think this is normal, and how would you have handled this if this was your friend? -- Just Don’t Get It

Dear Just Don’t Get It: “Normal” is defined in the dictionary as conforming to a typical standard. No, this is not normal behavior, but I use that word with caution. He clearly loves his ex-wife and is having a difficult time letting her go. If she really has changed and is sober, if they have gone to marriage counseling and he has forgiven her, then I’m not here to judge his decision as not normal, and you shouldn’t be either. In fact, I commend him. The disease of alcoholism can ruin families and cause all sorts of terrible behavior. He was looking to you to be a friend when he was dealing with a difficult time.

I also respect his decision to want to be close to his adult children. Although they are grown and can take care of themselves, that doesn’t mean he can’t be close to them as friends now. If I were you, I might take a look at myself and see why I judged him and his ex-wife so harshly.

Dear Annie: I have a dear male friend, “Trey,” who is in quite a predicament. Some background on him: He suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of his mother when he was a child.

His current problem is that he is in a loveless marriage. He and his wife have been married 32 years. But five years into their marriage, after they’d had a child together, she told him that she was gay and had been having an affair. He gave her a choice: live with her new lover or stay with him. She chose to stay with Trey. He thought he could pique her sexual interest in men again. This never happened. He has been celibate for 27 years. He and his wife live as roommates, each sleeping in separate rooms.

Trey has told me that his wife has a very violent temper; that she flies into a rage and destroys things when she’s angry. He’s told me that he doesn’t love her. He said that he guesses he is still there just due to habit.

Is he staying in this relationship because he feels comfortable with a violent woman due to his history with his mother? Otherwise, why would a man stay in this situation, having the ability, funds and intelligence to leave and make another life for himself -- a life that would be more satisfying and possibly filled with love?

We talk often, and I try to help and give support, but he tends to become angry when we go deep into the reasons why he is still living with a lesbian wife, in a sexless marriage and not living his full potential.

Honestly, I could even see a possible relationship with him if I make the first move to change our friendship to more than friends.

What is happening in this odd relationship? Should I help, or just leave things as they are between us as friends and not try to get involved any further? -- Puzzled

Dear Puzzled: Plenty of smart, successful people end up in abusive relationships. Yes, your friend’s childhood trauma could have predisposed him to this, though I can’t say that for sure. But why he’s in this marriage is less important than what you can do to support him as a friend with the hope that he eventually gets out of it.

First, I urge you not to initiate a romantic relationship with him. Even if and when he does leave his wife, he will need time, space and, most of all, therapy to process the lifetime of abuse he has endured. Also, to try dating him now could seriously endanger him if his wife were to find out and retaliate. (She might not be interested in him sexually, but abuse is about control, not sex.)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s guidance for helping a friend in an abusive relationship is to acknowledge that they are in a difficult and scary situation, be nonjudgmental, empower them to make their own decisions, and encourage them to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Call the Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to get a referral to a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline also states on their website to remember that you cannot “rescue” your friend: “Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately they are the one who has to make the decisions about what they want to do. It’s important for you to support them no matter what they decide, and help them find a way to safety and peace.”

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette - is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www. creatorspublishing.com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.