Unfriended by my husband
Dear Annie
Dear Annie: My husband and I met in high school and have been married for 23 years. Before we were married, we broke up several times and dated other people. He joined Facebook last year, at the end of August. He friended an old girlfriend from high school.
I got mad, and he responded by blocking me. I have never felt the need to check his phone, but something didn’t seem right, so I gave in. I checked his phone without his permission. I found out about a week after joining Facebook that he had sent a message to someone he used to work with before we were married, and he asked this person if he knew how to get ahold of an ex-girlfriend he had dated at one of those times when we had broken up.
In the message, he told this person he wanted to see this ex-girlfriend and that he really missed her and has never forgotten her.
I am devastated and not sure what to do. I want to confront him. All these years, I thought we had a good marriage. We have two beautiful teenage children. My heart is broken. I need your advice. -- Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: Trust is a fundamental pillar in a marriage, and he has broken that. It is understandable that you are devastated. You and your husband desperately need marriage counseling, whether he admits it or not. If he refuses to go, then tell him what you know about his desire for his old girlfriend and ask him why he is so unhappy in your marriage.
Ideally, you can confront him about his text messages with a counselor in the session so there will be a moderator in what is likely to be a heated exchange -- with the goal being to get your marriage back on track. He has to stop bullying you by doing things like blocking you on Facebook. You are supposed to be on the same team.
Dear Annie: I wrote this when my mother was alive, and I want to share it with you and your readers. Sad to say, she passed away in 2009. I still miss her.
God took a dash of wisdom and patience, and to this, he added a loving heart. He took the stars from heaven and put a twinkle in your eyes. We call them mothers, but they are really ANGELS in disguise. I love you, Momma. -- Sweet and Sassy
Dear Sweet and Sassy: You and the great Abraham Lincoln had the same thought: “All that I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” What a gift it is to have a loving and caring mother. We all recently celebrated Mother’s Day, but I like the idea of celebrating our mothers every day.
Dear Annie: I have a family situation that I am not sure how to handle. My middle daughter lives in another town, where she is attending graduate school. In three weeks, she will begin a summer internship in her hometown, where her mother and I live.
I have not asked her where she plans to live for the summer, due to her busy exam and study schedule. We want her to stay with us -- except for her dog, which she rescued from a shelter about three years ago. The dog and my daughter are very attached to each other, and in general, the relationship has been very good for both of them.
The problem is that her dog is hyper and has had problems cohabitating with the two other dogs living in my house. We have had my daughter and her dog at our house several times before, and we also kept him once for a week when she was traveling. My wife and I cannot handle the stress of her dog and his destruction for the summer.
We would like to offer our house to our daughter, knowing she will still be required to pay rent at her school apartment and likely cannot afford rent during the internship in another town.
How do we approach her about her summer living arrangements before we get this sprung on us a few days in advance of her start date, knowing she probably does not have an option for the dog? -- Not Quite the Empty Nesters
Dear Not Quite the Empty Nesters: In order to avoid “Rovergate,” you must act swiftly and directly. Speak with your daughter about possible dog trainers or videos and books that could help her train the dog to not have destructive behavior.
Before your daughter moves in, go for walks or fun outings with your fur babies and hers. That way the dogs can hopefully establish a friendship outside the home, on neutral territory.
Dear Annie: I am the mother of four adult children. I have many happy memories of all their childhoods, including birthdays, graduations and other milestones. I feel I have wonderful relationships with three of them (and their spouses).
The fourth has been challenging, to say the least. He rarely visits and seems uncomfortable and angry around me. Everything I know about his life I find out from his siblings. He has some substance abuse issues that he refuses to acknowledge -- I think that’s part of what is going on. It’s certainly not where I imagined we would be at this stage of our lives.
How do I proceed? He doesn’t seem open to, or capable of, letting me in. Is there hope for a relationship when it’s onesided? Do I just ignore the behavior and hope he comes around? I love him dearly, but liking him is becoming more difficult. -- Sad and Hopeless
Dear Sad and Hopeless: Where there is love, there is hope. Your relationship with your son can certainly be saved. Since your three other children have a good relationship with him, ask them whether they can help him acknowledge his substance abuse issues. He must be treated for that, first and foremost, because until then, you are not dealing with him but the substances altering his brain and personality.
Ignoring his behavior won’t do him any favors. It sounds like he is hurting, and when someone is hurting, there is nothing like a family member showing they care. Maybe your other children will be able to get through to him. Even if he continues to push you away, just come back to him with love.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.