Sister obsessed with conspiracy theories

TUESDAY, JULY 6, 2021

Dear Annie: My sister and I reunited about five years ago after not speaking for at least 10 years. Unfortunately, we did not have a good childhood; as we got older, our own dynamics grew toxic, and I had no choice but to keep her away. I was glad that we started talking again earlier this year, but since we have reconnected, I have noticed some quirks. She believes in a lot of conspiracy theories and practices a religion that has some strange beliefs. She says very hateful things about certain groups of people. Sometimes, we will be enjoying ourselves at the mall or at lunch, and seemingly out of nowhere, she will start espousing some of her crazy or hateful beliefs. She has also done this around my children. Another thing is that she randomly gets incredibly frightened and calls me crying and begging me to buy supplies for her in case it’s the end of the world, or to loan her money to leave the country because she believes the government is trying to kill her. She gets all her information from videos she finds online. I have begged her to stop, and I try to be patient, but it’s upsetting to me, and I stay stressed for days after one of her episodes. I don’t want to lose my sister again, but our relationship is wearing me down. Can you help? -- Sad About Sis

Dear Sad: The internet has flooded the world with conspiracy theories. Millions are lost in that sea, while the rest of us, their friends and family, stand waiting at the shore. In your sister’s case, it sounds as though there might be a deeper issue at play. Her extreme paranoia suggests an underlying mental illness. While you can’t force her to seek help, you can encourage her to do so.

First, empathize with her anxieties. The modern world can be an overwhelming, frightening place right now; history seems to be moving at an alarming clip. Technology does raise legitimate privacy concerns. You can understand where she’s coming from without agreeing to where she’s ended up.

Ask how she’s doing. Let her know that you’ve been concerned lately, because her fears seem to be causing her a lot of distress -such as the times when she called you asking for money to flee the country. Encourage her to consider talking with a counselor.

Whether or not she agrees to get help, you can help yourself by setting better boundaries. Let her know you won’t tolerate any hate speech; the second she starts that up, firmly excuse yourself. For relief from the burden of shouldering this weight alone, visit https://www.nami.org; select “Support and Education”; then “Support Groups.” From there, you’ll find the link for family support groups. Meetings are free, and the peace of mind they can offer is priceless.

Dear Annie: I would like to start downsizing and have yard sales. But I have hoarders living next door to me. All we have, we have taken good care of, and I don’t want to see these items sitting carelessly out in the rain and snow for months between now and the time we move. How do I tell my neighbors that they cannot purchase any items? -- Nervous Neighbor

Dear Nervous Neighbor: You could try selling some of the furniture online, on platforms such as Facebook Marketplace or Nextdoor -- but those can raise safety concerns. Ebay is another option, although the costs of shipping can be high. Of course, you can have a yard sale without any price stickers and give your neighbors an unreasonably high price point if they inquire. But the fact of the matter is that if you’re going to sell something, you need to relinquish control of what happens to it afterward.

Dear Annie: My longtime best friend of 15 years and I entered into a romantic relationship in March of last year. It was a nightmare from almost the very beginning. There were faults and failures on both sides, but ultimately, it ended when it came to light that he had not only been cheating on me but also gotten the other girl pregnant!

The breakup has left me very confused and deeply hurt and traumatized. I miss my best friend more than anything. We’ve had no contact for more than a month now, but lately the urge to reach out to him has been overwhelming. What do I do? Is it better to leave things as they stand? Is reaching out a bad idea? -- Missing My Best Friend

Dear MMBF: Wounds can get itchy when they’re healing. That doesn’t mean we should scratch them. The longing you feel to talk to your ex right now is an itch that shouldn’t be scratched. Take time to mend and focus on your own mental health and personal development. Try new hobbies. Establish positive routines. When you feel yourself wanting to reach out to him, reach out to another friend instead. It won’t be easy, but it will get a little bit easier every day.

Dear Annie: The world is full of selfrighteous people. I have a few strategies to avoid becoming one, which I thought you might share with your readers.

First, I have learned that being empathetic -- always trying to understand where the other person is coming from -- and a good listener goes a long way, not just in conflicts but in everyday life. When a friend is venting about a problem, don’t interrupt. Take a deep breath. Just listening will be much more helpful to them than armchair diagnoses.

Second, I forgive myself and others in my life every day. I will myself to do so even when I don’t feel like it.

And lastly, I have a sign on my desk that I look at before I call anyone about anything. It says, in big bold type, “NO ‘YOU’ STATEMENTS.” I invite all to do the same. -Big T.

Dear Big T.: I think your sign ought to come pre-installed on desks. Thanks for the thoughtful tips.

Dear Annie: Your response to “Wrongfully Accused,” the man in the long-distance relationship with a woman who wrongly accuses him of infidelity, misses another possibility. She may have a paranoid delusional disorder known as Othello syndrome. Those diagnosed with it are unable to distinguish between reality and their delusions that a spouse or partner is being unfaithful. My wife of 35 years is continually tormented by these thoughts, and it causes great stress in our marriage. But I would never leave her. -- Faithful Husband

Dear Faithful Husband: Until receiving your letter, I had never heard of Othello syndrome, which is “a psychotic disorder characterized by delusion of infidelity or jealousy,” as noted in the Journal of Psychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences in 2012. Although it’s a rare condition, it’s a possibility worth considering, for sure. Thank you for writing.

Dear Annie: I believe you missed the tongue-in-cheek nature of the letter written by “Simply Smitten.” Clearly, the letter is written in the voice of the dog. There were several clues, not the very least of which is when the letter writer stated, “I guess Laura is turned off by my puppy love.” If you hadn’t figured that out already, reread the letter with this in mind. -- A Dog Lover

Dear Dog Lover: Oh, dear. I think you’re right -- and in that case, I’d like to take back my advice that he should seek therapy. Thanks for the reminder not to take everything so seriously.

Dear Annie: When I was a child, I had many chilling things happen to me. I barely remember some incidents, and they don’t seem to affect me now -- well, other than the mental illness running through my entire body.

Anyway, as a 47-year-old looking back, one thing still hurts me to the core and brings tears to my eyes as I write this: I miss my sister. And I miss her because there is this huge divide between us stemming from something that happened when I was 17. I was forced to reveal to her and my mother, at a psychiatric treatment facility for depression, that my mother’s ex-husband had abused me when I was in seventh and eighth grade, and my sister flat-out told me and the therapist that she didn’t believe it.

How do I repair our relationship if she never believed me to begin with? -Brokenhearted

Dear Brokenhearted: You were very brave to tell your sister what happened. Sadly, it was too painful for her to say she is sorry for what happened. Hopefully, in time, she will gain strength and compassion for you, and you can begin to heal your relationship. But regardless of your relationship with your sister, your relationship with yourself and the trauma that you suffered are first and foremost. I believe you, and I am sorry that happened to you.

You can heal and become stronger than before, but the 13-year-old girl has to heal first. Once you tell her that it was not her fault what happened to her, and your adult self starts to heal, your relationship with your mother and sister will shift. Even if they don’t say they believe you, you will better understand that it is too painful for them to admit it. Best of luck to you, and my hope is that your heart begins to heal itself. You are not alone on this journey.

I recommend reading “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.