First relationship post-abuse
THURSDAY, JULY 15, 2021
Dear Annie: I was in a very controlling and abusive relationship from the time I was 15 until three years ago, when my ex passed away. We were both in our late 30s at the time.
After he died, it took me 10 months of searching before I found someone who is kind and caring -- just such a sweet guy. But lately, I’ve been frustrated with the dynamics of our relationship.
I work seven days a week, nearly 60 hours. He works maybe 10 hours a week. And I would say that 95% of what I make seems to be spent on him and something he needs. And I already pay every single bill that comes to the house -utilities, phone plans, groceies, etc.
I’m at my breaking point. I can’t live like this anymore. The happiness seems to have been all wrung out of this relationship. It’s almost starting to feel like my last relationship, just without the abuse. I’ve told him how I feel, and he acts like it’s no big deal and that he’d just like to continue with things the way that they are. I’m not so happy anymore, but I don’t know what to do because he is such a great guy. Please help me. -- Very Confused Girlfriend
Dear Confused: Just because a relationship isn’t abusive doesn’t mean it’s good, or even healthy, and a great guy wouldn’t dismiss your feelings when you bring them up. But I have to ask why you started paying all his bills in the first place. It sounds as though you’re exhibiting codependent tendencies, which is understandable. Being in an abusive relationship can decimate a person’s self-esteem, and while your ex may be gone, the trauma he inflicted is not. I encourage you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) for referral to counseling services and other resources that can help you begin to heal from the abuse you’ve suffered.
Dear Annie: Two years ago, I lost a grandchild unexpectedly. As you can imagine, our family was traumatized and needed love and support from family and friends. Several friends were there every step with a listening ear, and even some acquaintances went out of their way to offer support. The only person who never reached out was my sister-in-law. We were never close, but we were cordial. Over time, I became more and more resentful of her lack of empathy. On the few occasions when we find ourselves in the same place, I cannot hide my angry and hurt feelings and just put on a happy face.
I want her to know how her behavior has affected me, but I don’t think it would matter to her. How do I just let go and pretend? -- Can’t Pretend
Dear Can’t Pretend: Some people are not comfortable expressing empathy when someone passes away. It’s hurtful. It’s selfish. It adds insult to the worst kind of injury. Your anger is justified, and your sister-in-law has done nothing to earn your forgiveness. Forgive her anyway. You need to for the sake of your mental health and healing. Accept that, for whatever reason, she has some emotional limitations. Let the grace shown to you by friends, other family members and acquaintances make up for the lack of grace shown by her. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Dear Annie: I believe the most valuable lesson my father instilled in me was to do one good deed every day. He always told my sisters and me that we would have a truly meaningful life if we practiced that.
He didn’t give us everything we asked for, but he did encourage us to share some of our toys, books and more with other neighborhood kids in need.
I remember Dad worked a full-time job and helped my mother with housework, but he would always take time to give someone a lift, mow a lawn or help a farmer with chores (my father loved farming). Thank you, Dad. I still follow your good example every day. -- Your Loving Daughter
Dear Loving Daughter: Your father sounds like a wonderful man. A truly happy life is not about one big life event that happens; it is about living each day to the fullest, and the best way to do that is to do good for others. Thank you for sharing your father’s wisdom and example.
Dear Annie: I was married for 28 years to a man who was incredibly emotionally abusive. He came and went as if our home were a hotel, and he cheated on me with other women.
It took me a long time to “find the door” to leave, but I got a master’s degree while going to school at night and got a teaching job, which allowed me the independence to leave. Besides being abusive, he would use our money for himself. He bought cars and other items while we struggled with basic needs.
Fast forward 20 years. I am now retired, but I struggle with trust in relationships, and I am experiencing some post-traumatic stress disorder. However, I am proud to have moved on and am doing my best. My ex remarried, and his second wife left him for basically the same reasons I did. I have never remarried.
As of July, he is on his third wife. My children are having their children call her “Grandma.” I am brokenhearted. My grandchildren will not be able to differentiate between this new wife and me. After I raised them in such adverse circumstances, they do not care how I feel. I have asked them to call her by her first name or another nickname.
They care more about her feelings than mine. Should brand-new step-grandparents be called “Grandma”? Additionally, some of them live in the same town, while I have retired to another state. I am seriously brokenhearted. -Sad Grandma
Dear Sad Grandma: Everyone reading your letter feels your pain. You have every right to be sad about this situation. Your children have taken their father’s side in this, possibly out of fear. The good news is that wife number three will probably not last, and the whole family knows who the real grandma is.
Tell your children how much this hurts you, but also stress that you love them and your grandchildren and nothing should interfere with that. In the long run, nothing will.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.