A life coach’s take on couples therapy

MONDAY, AUGUST 15, 2022

Dear Annie: The “Mother Whose Heart Is Breaking” is absolutely right to be worried about her son. Over my 30 years as a life coach, I have seen too many men leave their wives and children to find their true selves.

Often in their 20s, they feel pressured by their girlfriends’ wishes to marry, biological clocks and their own insecurities and fears of being alone. There is the added pressure of “wasted years” and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) on possibly “the one.” When they are inevitably miserable and regret not pursuing their own dreams of career, travel, education or plain wanderlust, everyone suffers tenfold.

And for all those in this situation: If a sheer thought of engagement puts you in therapy, or makes you depressed or suicidal, you need to leave the relationship and break all ties. You need to take care of your mental health without the added pressure from your partner. The sooner you seek help from a qualified professional, the quicker will be your road to recovery. -- Life Coach

Dear Life Coach: Thank you for your perspective based on experience. You are so correct that your partner should not send you into therapy. Life is hard enough, and your partner should be a support for you in good times and bad -- and not someone who makes your good times turn bad.

Dear Annie: My husband and I solved our money differences by creating a budget and reviewing it periodically. We listed our known expenses, income, and our future plans for expenses and savings. This allowed each of us to understand our financial situation. Having a budget also stops one person from being the bad guy when the other wants to buy an unplanned item; you just refer to the budget.

The best thing we included was a monthly allowance for each of us. We agreed that this money could be spent without negative comments from the spouse. This has saved us from having many fights. -- Couple on a Budget

Dear Budget: Fighting over finances is one of the biggest causes of marital strife. You and your husband are communicating openly and honestly about what is important, and it is why your system of a budget prevents future arguments about money. Your insight to include a monthly allowance -- and no criticism of how it is spent -- is priceless.

Dear Annie: This is in regards to the lawn maintenance man who now wants cash. If this fellow decides he wants cash, he is probably freelancing and is UNINSURED! In which case, if he were to have an accident (either to himself or her property), there could be major liability claims involved.

Always get a certificate of insurance when you hire any type of contractor; if they’re too busy, ask for the name of their agent, and you can call yourself to get one (I’ve done this). As an aside, check cancellation fees probably aren’t worth the trouble of going through the process. -- Always Be Insured

Dear Insured: Having someone who is insured work on your house is always a good idea. Thank you for the reminder.

Dear Annie: I feel like I made a mistake and need someone outside my circle to assess the situation. I have an amazing job. I get to do what I love, and the work-life balance is incredible. I spend all my time with my family and get to play with my son. I work when I can and am treated like an adult. I’m a microbiology manager and get paid pretty well. I’d love to be a director or VP someday. I work really hard and always have.

I recently looked for another job. My friend I used to work with at a previous company called me and said their company desperately needed a microbiologist. I would be working with my old team but at a new company. They were also looking for a director. I didn’t really think too much about it, and then HR called me. She said they were still developing the role and asked me what I wanted. I gave a ridiculous number for a salary, double what I currently make, and she was OK with it.

I was floored. I never expected her to agree to that. I then had an interview with the VP, and it honestly sounded like my dream job, pay and title with great people on the team. It’s at a state-of-the-art building, and they are expanding, so my position will grow.

She wanted to set up another interview, and I agreed. There are two things that I keep thinking about. One, she asked if I was hung up on the director title. I said no but thought that was weird. Two, when I said I needed to be able to pick up my son, she didn’t really understand or respond favorably. I told her I’d have to pick him up from camp, day care or even school and drop him off but could come back to work after and would take phone calls or meetings as I was driving. She didn’t like that at all.

I canceled the next interview. Am I stupid? Did I just blow the biggest career opportunity I had? Anywhere I’ve ever interviewed before hasn’t made taking care of family a problem. Work-life balance is so important to me, and I love spending time with my son. I felt like if I continued with this job, my son’s happiness would be sacrificed. I keep thinking I made a mistake because where I work now is so surreal that maybe I should just move while the opportunity is present, work like everyone else and be thankful to make a lot more money.

People think I am crazy for turning it down, but don’t companies have a clue about being a single mom and having to take care of your children? I was willing to come back to work

and multitask as I was picking up my son. I feel like either decision hurts my family. -- Work Woes

Dear Work Woes: All things considered, it sounds like your current job is the perfect fit for you. One of the best things to come out of the pandemic is more freedom and flexibility in the workplace, a perk your current company allows you to take advantage of. More money is always a plus, but is it worth missing out on time you’d usually spend with your son? Is being less involved in his childhood worth the higher salary?

For the time being, you have the best of both worlds -- a job that aligns with your values and the life you want to live, plus time to raise your son and watch him grow up, the ultimate luxury. Keep at it and hold on tight to your upper management aspirations; perhaps they will be easier to attain a few years down the line when your son is a little older and the timing is right.

Jobs come and go; money comes and goes. Spending time and making memories with our loved ones? Priceless.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.

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