I want bigger muscles. Can tech help me out?
AGuru’s 28-inch pythons are the product of advanced cyber-engineering, but you’ll likely be better off with a combination of motivation, nutrition, and some good old-fashioned cheating.
First, get a handle on your love handles with Sequoia Fitness’s MetaCal Body Fat Caliper (£5), a metal torture device designed to pinch your flab and humiliate you. When you’ve stopped crying, grab a set of high-end BioElectrical Impedance analysis scales like Tanita’s RD-901 (£135), which records and uploads your gruesome body composition to Tanita’s Health Planet app. Remember to ignore all mentions of BMI, as you’re aiming for a mass in advance of the average human.
Now to diet. The key to building one’s muscles is consuming huge amounts of protein and any number of mystical substances with silly names. So pick up some UltraMutant+++ and mix it up in a Promixx Vortex Mixer (£19), a battery-powered concoctionspinner which should help to reduce the amount of disgusting sediment. On the odd occasion that you eat
actual food you’ll want to be eating ‘clean’, so pick up a ten-portion George Foreman Entertaining Grill (£100) and watch the grease dribble off your meat. The stomach-churning clean-up should help you stay nice and cut.
With that sorted, you’re probably gasping to lift something heavy. The Beast Sensor (£200) counts your sets and reps, and measures just how much unhinged aggression you’re pouring into your training regime. Alternatively, the Bar Sensei (£275) clangs onto your hardware and provides live feedback to help keep your form solid.
If all that sounds like too much hard work, try some under-shirt deception. Funkybod’s muscle enhancing top (£50) provides sculpted pecs and optional bicep-falsery perfect for both impressing the opposite sex and providing disappointment at the most critical of times. It’s probably better to sweat your way though the iron.
“You’ll be better off with a combination of motivation, nutrition and some good old-fashioned cheating”