Stay safe, be seen? Rubbish. How can I hide?

AAs you know, Guru doesn’t ask any questions, he simply judges you on your reasons for such shady behaviour and moves on. In this case, we’ll just presume you’re some sort of urban ninja. But, believe it or not, invisibility is beyond GaGu’s many powers, so we’ll just have to get as close as we can.

First, let’s get dressed. Forgo the ridiculous digital ‘universal camouflage’ pattern of the US Army – it blends into precisely nothing – and plump instead for garments made of MultiCam fabric. This not only blends in well with most environments, it also dampens reflections in the infrared spectrum, meaning you’ll be nearinvisible through a night-vision camera, too. Expect to pay around £80 for a quality shirt, and a similar amount for some tactical trousers. Oo-er.

The Härkila Lynx GTX 6 hunting boots (£150, harkila.com) are light, flexible and designed for minimal noise, plus the Gore-Tex liner should provide a bit of comfort and breathability. While we’re getting specific, you should spray your most odorous regions with a scent-neutraliser like GHOST ($6.45/£4.60, headhunterscents.com), which has apparently been tested using actual bloodhounds.

Providing you’ve found a bush to crouch in, you should now be virtually invisible to all but the most determined stalker. But one look in your pockets and you’re going to be found out – what you need is a new identity. GaGu doesn’t recommend any sort of false documentation, of course, but why not purport to be from a different nation? Invest enough money in a country with a ‘citizenship by investment’ program (like St Kitts & Nevis or Grenada), and you’ll get a passport in return.

Alternatively, you could sport a World Passport issued by the World Government of World Citizens (from $45/£31, worldservice.org). They’re basically a political statement and not accepted at any border, but if you’re required to hand over your passport to a group of vigilantes, you might just get away with it. Or you might get beaten up. Worth a try, though, right?