TALKING TECH

The tech-fixated cop has gotta catch ’em all. Drones used by criminals, that is…

This month, our occasional stand-in for Duncan Bell – The Secret Policeman – reveals the security risk that chasing a bunch of virtual animals around the land poses

You name it: if it’s a security hazard, it’s had a drone hovering above it in recent times

Evening all. The lot of the copper is not a happy one at the best of times, but one thing guaranteed to get even the most laughing of policemen down is having a bunch of numpties invade his police station. Especially if it’s because tech told them to do it.

In recent times, that’s usually been down to a right bunch of prankers going into the nick to film themselves taking their clothes off, partying, and generally trying to provoke the local Dibble. And then, of course, putting it on YouTube. We don’t ‘like’ it. Now, of course, police stations are coming under repeated and prolonged assault from anoraked virgins trying to catch Pokémons (or is it Pokémen?).

I like a bit of fun as much as anyone, ladies and gents. But if you’ve come in to report a serious offence – or even just to moan that you’ve lost your phone while out on the piss, and now need a crime-reference number even though no crime’s been committed - you’re going to feel a bit miffed by a nerd with a phone, barking with glee because he’s just bagged a Bulbosaur.

Still, the craze did at least lead to some much-needed light relief when the high-ups in our force decided to issue a lengthy memo to all staff explaining what Pokémon is. It was a bit like someone from Elizabethan times trying to explain quantum physics.

Sorry, but it’s never not funny when an ultra-serious memo, at least ostensibly about national security, contains the words “Squirtle” and “Jigglypuff”, and the phrase, “Members of the public may be distracted while throwing balls at these ‘Pokémon’ via their mobile-phone screens.”

Joking aside, there are plenty of good places to put PokéStops. Cop shops are not among them. Maybe we should follow the lead of Iran, where the game is banned due to security worries.

You can see why. Imagine trekking to find a rare Venusaur, only to discover you’ve arrived at a top-secret nuclear base, and there are blokes in black uniforms coming towards you with something rather more serious than a “battle” in mind.

Droning on and on

Surveillance is a major weapon in the fight against crime. It not only helps to catch baddies but, more importantly, it’s a fantastic deterrent.

That’s all well and good but ideally, you’d want all those CCTV cameras to be actually, you know, filming stuff. One London borough has now decided that it can’t be arsed with all of that, and is turning off its cameras. So hang on to your laptop bag a bit more carefully when you’re out in Soho, would be my advice.

Perhaps the idea is that fixed cameras are yesterday’s news, and the next leap forward is going to be drone surveillance.

Unfortunately for those of us in law enforcement, drones are currently public enemy number one. OK, maybe not number one. Top ten, though.

They’ve been turning up in places they shouldn’t – like hovering Pokémon trainers – for years now. MI5, the American Embassy, the old Scotland Yard, packed football stadiums: you name it, if it’s a security hazard, it’s had a drone above it in recent times.

The real drone nightmare right now, though, is at prisons.

We’re not just talking the occasional flying visitor dropping off a clean pair of pants for a new inmate, either. Certain of Her Majesty’s Pleasure houses are besieged every night by the worst aerial invasion since the Battle of Britain. I’m talking waves of the floating blighters, dropping phones, drugs and worse.

Now, there are probably high-tech solutions to this. Some kind of cunning signal-blocking device. Or lasers. However, that’s not the kind of thing we like in law enforcement, so instead we’re using men with big nets. I’m not joking.

Every night, throughout the land, prison guards are stationed on roofs, kitted out like paramilitary butterfly catchers, trying to scoop toy drones laden with marijuana out of the air.

This is no laughing matter, though, folks. A recent police chase after one such drone drop-off led to someone tragically losing their life.

OK, the chase involved a car allegedly carrying a drone, rather than an actual pursuit of a drone. But the way things are going, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if one day soon, we find the skies full of cop drones dogfighting criminally minded ones. Be safe now.