I have a date. How can I sort out my oral hygiene?
AWhile Guru’s only dentistry qualifications were bought from a chap down the pub – to be fair, the guy’s molars were exquisite – let’s ignore that and get your biters better once and for all, shall we? After all, carrying around a gobful of stinking yellow chompers is as impolite as it is unhealthy.
A word of caution before going any further: there’s no cheat mode for your mouth. Unscrupulous entrepreneurs might claim to be able to whiten your teeth in an instant, but GaGu would suggest that a vast proportion of these are shysters with dangerous chemicals and fat wallets. Commercial whitening solutions may work, but nothing beats a decent clean.
Begin, then, by purchasing a proper electric toothbrush: Guru has recently settled on the Philips Sonicare DiamondClean (£100-130). It has five cleaning modes ranging from sensitive (which should suit even the bloodiest gums) to full-on polish, and a battery that should last around three weeks. It also runs a two-minute timer, with notifications every 30 seconds so you can ensure that all quadrants of Megacity Mouth have been cleansed.
Your bathroom wouldn’t be complete without another rechargeable sonic cakehole-cleaner, so also grab the Flossolution Max ($119.99/around £91) and dig around between your denticles to remove that months-old popcorn. Electronic flossing is an innovation that’ll surely make your dentist show his disconcerting smile – and while you do it, a “Bite Bumper” within the Flossolution will prevent you from slicing your gums like a soft ham.
Finally, Breathometer’s Indiegogo success Mint ($149/£114 if you can get one – they still seem to be in pre-production) would be another handy accessory, using modified breathalyser technology to detect foul odours emerging from your maw. A proper cleaning regime should eventually do away with your paintstripping exhalations, but in the meantime, Mint is more effective than breathing into your hand and trying to throw the smell to your nose.