My dog hates it when I go out. What can I do?

AOLIVER GROUSE, CAMDEN

The first trick is to stop caring about any other living thing, something Guru mastered some years ago. A nice box of chocolates or a bottle of wine now and then goes some way to bribing neighbours to put up with the racket. Barkers gonna bark, right?

Sadly Guru’s editor reminds him, via pointy stick, that not every question can be answered with a sociopathic soliloquy. So let’s think about this logically. Your dog wants two things: it wants company, because you are not there, and it wants food, because it is a dog and that is basically the only thing dogs want ever. A treat-dispensing pet camera can provide both those things, and Guru recommends the Furbo over all others for a variety of reasons.

First, the camera itself: it’s a 1080p number with a 160-degree lens and night vision, so you can watch your dog chew through the arm of the sofa when it thinks it can’t be seen. Second, the treat dispenser, which doesn’t just pathetically dribble treats onto the carpet (looking at you, Pawbo) but pings them across the room with a Pavlovian click instead. There’s two-way talk (or, y’know, one-way talk, one-way yelp) and a very decent app to go along with it. It even does bark alerts, so you can log on when you know your dog is hollering and tell them, in no uncertain terms, to button it or else.

The only problem, really, is the price. If you can do without the treat dispenser and just want to see what your dog is up to, close to £200 is probably a bit too much to pay. You can cover the camera and two-way talk function with any number of budget smart cameras, so try the £30 Neos SmartCam. It’s better than it has any right to be at that price, and you can configure it to send you alerts when things get loud at home.