Connecting while apart this Christmas
For me, Boxing Day is synonymous with my grandmother's house in Chance Harbour, N.B.
Every Dec. 26, as far back as I can remember, the Robichaud clan made the pilgrimage to Granny's — it wasn't unusual for 50 of us to walk up the porch and through the back door. The party starts in the early afternoon and ends in the early morning when our annual card tournament is won.
Not everyone makes it every year. We've lost people, and we'll lose more in the future. But for decades, we knew we could find each other in that house on that day and feel like a family.
My grandmother, Ella Robichaud, was the centre around which all this activity revolved. She died in February at age 98. With COVID-19 or without, Christmas 2019 was the last the Robichaud family will celebrate in that house. This was supposed to be a year for us to establish a new tradition, but that will have to wait.
My story is far from unique. When I relayed that tale to Stacey Mackinnon, a psychology professor at the University of Prince Edward Island, she echoed it beat for beat.
“Our family's in the exact same boat. We lost our matriarch this year, and it was always Boxing Day at Nanny's house,” says Mackinnon. “So, in a sense, COVID'S been a blessing because we can blame it all on that for now, and then we'll get around to mourning the loss of going there because she's gone next year, probably.”
IMPORTANCE OF TRADITIONS
Seasonal traditions exist for many reasons. But one of their functions is to give us something to anchor ourselves in time. Like a drummer setting the tempo for a band, they can help lead us back when we feel adrift.
“The idea of stability, predictability, is incredibly important to human beings. We desperately want to be able to predict, if not control, our world. And any opportunity we have to do that, we'll grab at it,” says Mackinnon.
Stability is order and predictability in a universe that tends toward disorder. The rhythm of our lives is a constant battle against the arrow of entropy. Maybe this is why, in the northern hemisphere at least, we tend toward winter holidays. In open defiance of the cold, the dark, and the barren, we feast.
As much as COVID-19 is unprecedented in our lifetimes, on the scale of human experience, COVID over the holidays is just one more wolf circling outside the firelight.
“When you think about it, COVID is horrific, but this world has been through other horrific things and found those little pieces of humanity in them, those connections, that belonging, and we kept going,” says Mackinnon. “And we'll do it again this time if we choose to. All we can do is our best.”
This sounds a little dour. It gets brighter, but the first step is acknowledging that yeah, some things about the holidays in 2020 will be different. And some of those differences will hurt. It won't be the way it was. But Mackinnon reminds us that that ideal holiday is actually built of the good parts of a series of holidays that weren't all the same.
“Memory is reconstructed, so we're setting ourselves up for a perfect storm by trying to compare it to those picture-postcard memories that we have,” she says. “I think the first step in dealing with it is acknowledging that, no, it's not going to be the same. And it could have been different for a whole lot of reasons. (COVID) just happened to be the one we got dealt right now."
MAKING MOMENTS COUNT
The memories of holidays past are there, waiting to be triggered by a smell, sound, or action. Mackinnon advises thinking about what you can do that will surface those memories.
“What is it about your holiday traditions and your rituals that are so important to you? There's nothing stopping you from keeping most of those going,” says Mackinnon.
She uses an example from her own family, which held a taco night every Christmas
Eve. She and her brother are now grown with families of their own, but the tradition remains the same.
“Christmas Eve's still taco night. But what it's going to be this year is taco night over Zoom. We're having the same meal. We're just having it in Cornwall, P.E.I., and Calgary, Alberta. But we can still keep that tradition going."
We invest a lot of importance in rituals. There's nothing inherently significant about taco night. There is significance in spending time with loved ones.
“It's OK to be sad, and it's OK to be disappointed. And the more you try to fight sad and disappointed, the more sad and disappointed you get,” says Mackinnon.
Acknowledge that it's different — but different doesn't have to be bad, she says.
"You can figure out what those core things are that really matter, and then you can make those happen.”
Sometimes the hokey things are what's important. The holiday season is not just a time for kin; it's a time to extend the spirit of family to others.
“Family means more than just the people you're related to — this is going to be a holiday where there's going to be a lot of people that can't get home,” she says. “Take this as an opportunity to think about how you as a person can help make this a different but better holiday for somebody else who's in an even worse situation than you are.”
Think about what you can do to help seniors who aren't around their families, university students who can't go home, or children that can't see one of their parents.
“We feel better when we help other people. So, what can you do to be a better part of somebody else's different holiday?”
This week, Saltwire Network will bring you the stories of some of the families who won’t be able to be together this Christmas due to COVID-19, and how they’ll celebrate this very different holiday instead.