How to disagree politely
You are in a meeting when the chairperson says something you totally disagree with. From your perspective, his or her statement is not only wrong, but could potentially damage the cause of the group.
You are sitting in church when your pastor makes a statement in his or her sermon that does not mesh with your beliefs. Yet, almost everyone else in the congregation is leaning forward and saying, “Amen,” (if your church says “Amen” when they agree with something).
The mayor, premier or prime minister launches an initiative that goes completely against your value system. You know many in the community agree with his or her stance, but it violates almost everything you believe in.
You are enjoying a family meal with your spouse and adult children when one of them shares a value with which you are known to strongly disagree. Conversation stops and the silence is deafening as the family waits for your response.
Been there? I bet you have. How do wise people address conflict? How do Christians who want to treat others the way Jesus Christ treated them respond to those with whom they strongly disagree?
Author Joseph Grenny suggests the first thing you want to do is avoid what he calls the fool’s choice. The fool’s choice is the belief one must choose between being 100 per cent candid or 100 per cent per cent respectful. Fools believe it is impossible to be both simultaneously.
St. Paul, writing to the Ephesians, suggested we learn to speak the truth in love. Not truth or love, but truth in love.
He goes so far as to suggest it is only when we do so that growth and maturing takes place. If love is mushy and soft, you lose the benefit of the truth. But, if truth is presented in a harsh and accusatory manner, it is typically rejected.
Some suggest a key to stating the truth in love is to learn how to state the other person’s position in a way they would agree with.
Often, in an attempt to marshal one’s own argument, the tendency is to set up little straw men representing the other person’s position. Then, those straw men get knocked over triumphantly.
Demolishing straw men is neither honest nor productive. I have often heard people belittle Christianity, but it’s a brand of Christianity no Christian I know believes.
Conversely, I’ve heard Christians belittle other perspectives in society, only pointing out the worst of the other person’s position and never acknowledging the positives. Part of speaking truth in love is to be honest and fair.
Third, there has never been a better application for the Golden Rule than in a hard conversation. If you have a hard truth to share, how would you like it shared with you if the shoe was on the other foot? Framing the conversation in those terms puts you in a good position to continue.
One question I am slowly learning to ask when facing these situations is whether the conversation is even mine to have. I often quote Proverbs 26:17 to myself, which says, “Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.” I’m discovering many if not most of my urges to speak out are none of my business.
Finally, when addressing a difficult issue, I always do better if I have clarity as to the desired outcome. Do I just need to vent? Do I have an immature need to be right and to be heard? Or, do I have a higher goal of speaking truth in a loving and redeeming manner?
One of my coaches poses this question to those who adamantly disagree with him. “Is there any way I could graciously, respectfully and lovingly disagree with you without being labelled bigoted or intolerant?” If the answer is “No,” there is not much use continuing the discussion.
But if the answer is “Yes,” then every effort should be made to find the gracious, respectful and loving way to continue the dialogue.
Tim Schroeder is a pastor at Trinity Baptist Church