Ask Ellie: Man catches wife cheating on him — with another woman

QUESTION: My wife is cheating on me with another woman.

I came home early from work and when I walked up to the bedroom I heard them, and what I was sure was them having sex.

I quietly opened the door and saw them. I quickly shut the door and walked out.

I returned later. She acted normal and talked about what she did that day but nothing about seeing her friend.

I’m not mad that she could be lesbian or bisexual. I’m mad that she wouldn’t tell me.

I understand it can’t be easy to tell your husband that you’re interested in women, but we have a very open relationship.

I’ve waited for over a week and there’s been no talk of what I saw.

I really love her and I know she loves me, but her not telling me this makes me wonder what else she’s hiding.

Should I confront her about what I saw, pass it off as a one-time thing, or let her tell me when she thinks it’s right?

— Witnessed But Not Told

ANSWER: What you saw was shockingly surprising but you wisely waited to hear some admission of what’s going on.

It could’ve been an act of experimentation or she may now be identifying as a lesbian or bisexual.

Since you thought yours was an open relationship, on that basis, start a conversation as soon as possible, telling her that you saw her in bed with another woman and want to hear from her what it means.

Don’t be surprised if she becomes defensive. As you say, it’s not an easy chat. But if you can maintain the same tone as you did in this email, tell her that you simply want the truth so you can figure out together how this does, or does not, affect your marriage.

You’ll know soon enough if she’s wrestling with a sexual identity crisis, has deep problems with your marriage or the incident was an aberration on her part.

If you can’t come to a comfortable conclusion together, then getting marital counselling is a way to probe both her feelings and yours about the incident and the future.

QUESTION: My friend who likes to start drama recently started dating this guy. He sits with us at lunch, but doesn’t talk during that time and she ignores him while talking about her previous boyfriends.

I asked her if she even likes this guy and she said she didn’t know.

He’s really nice and genuinely likes her, so I feel badly for him. He has many good qualities and is good looking. I don’t think he deserves to be treated this way. Should I do anything?

— Lunchroom Problem

ANSWER: You can talk to him during lunch so that he isn’t forced into silence by her chatter. Or, you can sit elsewhere and leave these two to their awkward relationship.

They’re dating so it’s up to them to decide how to handle being together among others. But any move by you that looks like you’re poaching her guy will cause trouble between you and this friend.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the writer who lived in an apartment next door to a family with a constantly screaming child:

My husband and I lived in an apartment for many years with no problems, until a young couple moved in next door and had a baby who screamed incessantly, especially at night.

My husband and I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t enjoy a meal, couldn’t have friends over, our work suffered because we were sleep deprived, and we started to argue because our nerves were shredded.

Eventually the family got another apartment, but not before we’d made plans to move.

Their decision to have a baby cost us our jobs, our home, our quality of life and almost wrecked our (new) marriage. Hardly a minor issue from our perspective.