Save yourself instead

QUESTION: My wife of three years (together for seven) cheated on me two months before the wedding.

She’d been pressuring for a “hall-pass” and wore me down.

She’d hidden that she’d already been making out and posing in her underwear for the guy.

So they had sex and she dumped that bomb on me a day before our first-date anniversary.

I loved her so I forgave her. But things weren’t great, as I was the sole person taking responsibility and whom she depended on, for everything (money, home upkeep, etc.).

Now our sex life has died, but not from lack of interest on my part. She has always been focused on only her needs.

So it’s been a year of giving her space, and trying to get her to get help to figure out why she can cheat on me, then also tease sex and say she wants me but not actually do anything about it.

I worry there’s something medical or something from the past that she refuses to confront.

I finally said I’d give her four weeks to at least to try to see someone (doctor or something) before I leave her.

Two weeks, she’s done nothing. Is it wrong of me to expect that she tries to get help?

The constant rejections have affected my mood and I’ve stopped going to the gym. I feel like I’ve stopped caring about anything in life.

ANSWER: Use that deadline and get to a counsellor yourself.

You’re pushing against a brick wall and what matters more than why she’s so emotionally cruel to you, is why you let her be.

Asking for a hall-pass weeks prior to your wedding was the signal that she’s not in this marriage for keeps.

She’s not willing to be responsible for anything in it, including intimacy.

Whether she has mental health issues or past demons haunting her, you’ll not find out from her.

But your own therapist can help you look differently at trying to get through to someone who’s not really there with you and only teases then rejects you to prove it.

What’s to love here? Save yourself, instead. You’re unwittingly enabling her mean game. TIP OF THE DAY Forgiving repeated meanness and rejections gives your partner no reason to change.

Email: ellie@thestar.ca.