20 years later, ex-wife still blames the other woman

QUESTION: Do you think one person (male or female) can “steal/take” someone away from a relationship if that person’s happy and content in their present situation?

My friend blames the “other woman” 100 per cent for “stealing” her husband over 20 years ago.

She’s still bitter and angry over what happened to her and hasn’t been able to move on.

ANSWER: Your friend’s belief that her husband was content and happy until a love-thief stole him away is her way of closing down and guaranteeing it won’t happen to her again.

Of course it won’t. She uses her anger at the other woman to stay away from the perceived risk of another relationship.

She avoids seeing her own possible contribution to anything that went wrong in her marriage.

Was she critical of him or complaining, or consumed with the children’s needs to the exclusion of his? Maybe not.

But if he was not “content” as she assumes, her blaming a predator who whisked him away guarantees that she doesn’t have to change anything in herself.

About those predatory women — sure, there are some out there (and male ones, too) and they’re good at sniffing out a willing target.

They’re not always younger and sexier either. But they’re canny. They pick up the hints that the target is bored, dissatisfied, restless for an excuse to get lost in a new life.

Adults choose. Her husband chose another woman. It’s nasty, painful, devastating, humiliating. But to let it eat away at your chances for a better future, is a self-defeating choice.

She’s still stealing from herself, 20 years later.

QUESTION: I recently poured my heart out via text to a friend, about a recent breakup with my “friend with benefits” (off and on for five years).

My friends and family thought it was for the best. So I didn’t tell anyone when we started up again briefly. I was then devastated when he ended it forever.

My friend tried to console me, but I didn’t hear from her for several days.

I texted again and apologized for dumping all my stuff on her. She replied that she was upset that I’d lied to her, by telling her I was doing something else when we were hooking up.

I was hurt by her offensive accusation. I then realized there was a miscommunication about which weekend we were talking about.

I apologized for that, but said I was still hurt at her accusation. She didn’t say she was wrong to call me a liar.

We stopped communicating. Now I’m hurt at losing the friendship.

Do I reach out or let her cool off and wait for her? — How to Resolve?

ANSWER: What a tempest in a text.

Let’s distil the wordy exchange down to its basics. Your benefitsguy dumped you and that’s very hurtful. Understandably. You go back for more, he ends it again, and you feel worse.

Your friend gets confused because your own information hasn’t been clear.

But why does she call you a liar? Maybe it’s because she has heard this story before over your “five years off and on.” She lost track.

Text is easy and quick. But it’s also invasive when it goes on and on.

Call her in person. Invite her out to a movie together. That leaves some time for talking face-to-face, for exchanging your sorrow, her compassion.

Save text use for arrangements, not as your diary.

QUESTION: A month ago, I broke up with my ex. We go to the same high school.

She recommended just taking a “break.” Within two weeks, I knew it wouldn’t work, so I said I didn’t want to be together.

She came back saying she missed talking and being friends. I said that would be fine, if she could handle it.

It was OK at first, but she’d get emotional. She’d claim that talking wouldn’t take long, but ended up being hours, including suggestions of getting back together.

I was clear that I didn’t want to be together, ever, and she’d get angry. Later, she’d apologize.

I know it’s difficult for her and I want her to be happy, but she’s making me very upset. How should I handle this? — Messy Breakup

ANSWER: You’re being too clear just weeks after being a couple.

Being told “not ever” about getting back together can be a trigger for overreaction, clinging, even depression.

That’s why she’s grabbing every chance to push for getting back together.

Because she gets so emotional, tell her kindly that she needs to talk to someone for support about how to get over this.

Mention her parents and her best friend as people who love her and want her happy.

If you feel her reactions are getting more worrisome over time, alert her friend yourself.

Then insist you two only talk once weekly and hopefully contact can ease off naturally.

But if you hear extremes of mood, inform her parents yourself. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice