Trust and the right intentions key to forming, maintaining relationships

QUESTION: Three weeks ago I finally “man-ed up” and told my friend of two years that I liked her.

She had a shocked expression, in a good way, and speechless. I gave her compliments and made her blush a little.

However, she had a break-up earlier this year and isn’t looking to start a new relationship any time soon.

I asked her how she felt about what I said, and she said she doesn’t really know, but “we’ll see over time.”

Here’s where I messed up: I didn’t specify HOW I like her and didn’t ask, “How do you feel about me?” I subconsciously withheld the truth. I only want to have sex with her, but I couldn’t put that into words. Now, she still hasn’t told me how she feels.

I’ve texted her to meet, but she keeps dodging me and makes excuses. Anytime our group of friends wants to hang out, she finds an excuse, especially if I’m in attendance.

I’d like to correct my approach. But she’s playing a game. I can’t help but feel I’m being pulled into a vicious cycle of on and off relationships. What can I do?

ANSWER: Whoa! Suddenly, you’re blaming the person you approached without clarity or honesty about what you’re after.

She has good instincts, and is likely avoiding you because she 1) doesn’t want a relationship so soon after a break-up (which you know); and 2) guesses you just want sex and doesn’t find that appealing; or 3) doesn’t want to ruin the friendship.

In other words, she’s a lot more thoughtful about what she does with her personal life than you are.

Back off for now. Try to get back to friendship over time. If anything else is there between you in the future, it should happen naturally — not with a self-interested-only approach.

QUESTION: I’m divorced with more than shared custody of my three children. I left my wife after much effort at trying to make it work, even though I knew the relationship was dead.

Before we split, but well into the period of demise, I met someone else.

My wife was from a wealthy and prestigious family. My girlfriend comes from much more ordinary people.

I have a good job. But when my wife and I split, the “extras” were no longer available to me, which was natural.

My girlfriend and I have now been together two years. We blended our families and were discussing moving in together.

But I discovered she’s sleeping with someone else. I’d had some doubts, because her ex kept contacting her, and so I snooped. I found the truth and left her.

Now my anger’s subsided and my sadness is letting her back in.

Do I give her a second chance?

ANSWER: It’s time you tried managing your life on your own for a while.

You stayed in a so-called dying relationship for a long time, likely for the kids’ sakes, but there’s also a hint you liked the extras from her wealthy family.

Now it turns out the person you turned to is a cheater. She must’ve known you were still in a vulnerable state so soon after a break-up, yet snuck around with her ex.

Take a break from looking for a ready partner. Focus on the lifestyle for yourself and with your kids that you enjoy and can also afford on your own.

When you date, take it slow, get to really know someone, and build a relationship of trust.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman self-described as “promiscuous in the past” (May 15):

Reader — “I felt your response spoke to the writer’s suppressed feelings of regret for her past.

“It sounded like she didn’t want to take a long look back and hadn’t dealt with it, e.g. “any regrets I carry are with myself . . . ” “Her boyfriend’s discomfort only highlighted this. “If she feels no shame and he’s asked about it, she can tell him. But if he can’t handle it, he’s not the man for her.

“So long as you’re safe, respect yourself and your partner(s), you should have no shame about your sexual history.

“I’m a young woman who does as I like with whom I like. This woman and her issues present something I see amongst friends and fellow women in my age group.

“They’ve forgotten introspection. They avoid difficult feelings about themselves. Although it can be hard and take time, you learn to love yourself.”

TIP OF THE DAY

Suddenly seeking sex-only, doesn’t come across as flattering as you may think. Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Follow: @ellieadvice.