Counselling can help couples overcome their troubles

QUESTION: In my relationship nearing four years, the sex was initially great, and then started to wane.

It now doesn’t exist and has been the root of arguments.

I tried explaining to her that intimacy is important to me. I believe that it makes a relationship stronger and brings us closer together.

Yet we’ve only had sex twice over the last two years and both of those were a matter of “do your thing,” which isn’t what I want.

I’ve told her this numerous times, so now I don’t even bother trying to initiate, because I’m hurt and tired of the rejection.

She blames the lack of sex on the fact that she’s gained weight. She’s always commenting on how fat she feels and looks.

I do my best to compliment her, tell her that she looks great, but nothing works.

I’ve now started to lose some confidence, so joined a gym. While it’s nice to get a smile from a girl at the gym or coffee shop, it’s not the same.

We’ve spoken numerous times about this and whenever she suggests that we move in together, I bring this point up that our relationship isn’t right and moving in together isn’t a good idea until we can fix this.

I feel that she either doesn’t listen to me, get me or just ignores it.

I love her but we’re turning into friends and just friends, and I don’t know what else to do.

Frustrated ANSWER: What not to do: Move in together. You’ll be distracted by the details of moving, and wake up still on your side of the bed with nothing in the relationship resolved.

What to do: Since you love her, ask for a clear response whether she loves you. If yes, insist that you get to counselling together, or break up.

Here’s why: You’re losing your confidence and she already has none.

You’re pulling in opposite directions. She wants the move-in proof that you’re committed to her, but has withdrawn into self-doubts and body-image negativity because you haven’t delivered on the next stage, i.e. living together.

Meanwhile, you’re feeling rejected and deflated. It doesn’t make for great sex even if she’d occasionally give in.

Now, you’re both too insecure to ‘get’ each other without professional guidance to see what’s really going on. This isn’t about ‘fixing’ either one of you or just trying to get back to having sex together. It’s about finding out what’s blocking each of you.

If you don’t take this step now, you’ll only disappoint each other further and won’t last as a couple.

QUESTION: My sister and I hadn’t talked for years, after she didn’t invite me to her daughter’s wedding. I was her godfather. I’d thought even a small wedding would’ve included me.

We’d never had any disagreement before. I thought it may’ve had to do with money. She was always trying to contain expenses.

Because I wasn’t invited, I felt a gift wasn’t appropriate. I presumed this was the reason for her silence.

When my mother’s funeral became an imminent event, I wondered how my sister and I could be in the room together. So I decided to apologize.

I phoned and gave her a blanket apology not specifying anything in particular. It worked! The bridges were repaired! I learned to never hold a grudge.

ANSWER: Wiser now, too! A splendid example for many — a grudge brings nothing but negativity, while an apology opens possibilities.

FEEDBACK Regarding the rules that some couples say are part of polyamory, (May 25):

Reader No. 1: How can anyone in these arrangements guarantee that they won’t fall in love with a new partner?

I’m not sure that venturing outside of your marriage only has to do with fulfilling sexual needs that cannot be met by your spouse/ partner. Therefore, the notion that you’re not allowed to fall in love with someone else is, ridiculous.

I’m very much an each to his/her own kind of person, but I agree with pretty much everything you said in your reply.

Reader No. 2: First, who writes to an advice column to brag about their life!?

I find it interesting that at no point did he mention the nature of the relationship between him and his wife. Was it strengthened by their outside arrangement? Or is it just a way to stay together for the kids, within what’s really a loveless marriage? TIP OF THE DAY When an insecure partner turns to repeated rejection, couple’s counselling is needed or the relationship is doomed. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca.