Human beings make the worst tenants

Editor: Good morning, may I please speak to Earth? Speaking. Hi, my name is Mars. I’m calling because you are listed as the current landlord reference, for a species applying for tenancy here. I see. Who are the applicants? Human. Human Beings. Names ring a bell? Ah, yes. I know them well. Great! Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I’m happy to answer. OK, are they clean? Ha! No. In fact they have all but destroyed the place. They use my bodies of water as waste receptacles, my soil as dumping grounds for their many contaminants, and my air — don’t even get me started on my air. Let’s just say I’m keeping their damage deposit. I see. Smokers? Heavy. And their industrial pollution not only depreciates their own health, but that of all other species, and mine. This filthy, unsustainable habit of theirs has us all on life support. Are they quiet? Oh, they love their noise. Here for such a short time, basic utilities included, yet they go out of their way to find things to make noise over. They will draw imaginary lines across you, and fiercely defend the spaces in between to the death. They make deafening noise over each other’s Gods, each other’s sexuality, and each other’s reproductive rights. There is literally no place to escape the reverberations of their race and gender discrimination. They seem committed to total destruction, and total destruction is loud. There’s little time to stop to smell my beautiful roses, with so much noise to be made. Yet, they remain eerily quiet about the things that really matter. Peace. Love. Compassion. Survival. They are a petty, petty, bunch. It really has to be seen to be believed.

Well, I think I have heard enough. Certainly nobody could blame you for evicting them.

Oh, I’m not evicting them. They are evicting themselves. Kristin Staley,

Kelowna