Ask Ellie: Man unable to close door on 3-year affair with married woman

QUESTION: I started dating my ex while she was separated. Our chemistry and connection were amazing.

Her husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. She also had a very rough childhood that included traumatic experiences and a dysfunctional family.

We quickly became very close. I was emotionally invested with her.

Yet, after a while, we broke up and she returned to her husband.

We kept contact via social media. I realized how much I loved her and felt she was my soul mate.

She reciprocated the same feeling, saying that she’d ask for a divorce.

This affair lasted over three years. I knew it was wrong but I hung in because of my feelings for her.

Recently, I started regretting that I was in a cheating affair. I expressed that, and asked if she felt this was wrong.

I said that I’ve been waiting for her to start her divorce and asked when she’d begin.

She said that she has low selfesteem and no self-worth because of her life experiences and social status.

I reassured her that I’d share my life with her but I wanted her to stop the cheating and get separated.

I’ve changed my whole life for her and now she’s said that because her husband is ill, things are different between them and she isn’t considering divorce.

Maybe after 15-plus years with him, along with their having two kids, she’s been conditioned to think it’s OK to be that way.

I said I couldn’t continue like this and don’t understand why she’d rather continue cheating.

Now I regret that I lost the love of my life. I can’t believe she wouldn’t value the love we had enough to do the right thing.

How can I get over her when everything around me reminds me of us? — Distraught Ex-Lover

ANSWER: You see this story as a lost great love. I see it as this woman having played you far too long.

She may’ve once had the will to separate, but then she returned to her abusive husband and stayed with him.

She opted for an illicit affair with you, and decided it’d never become anything more.

Some might say she was too scared to start over or risk losing her children. That’s possible, but leading you on for three years was dishonest and emotionally cruel.

You proved your loyalty and sincerity. She only proved willingness to take advantage of your deep feelings.

It’s hard to accept now, but she did you a favour. There’s no healthy future with a person who keeps playing both sides. Move on and don’t look back. QUESTION: Last year, my family and I spotted an ice-cream store with a lineup out the door.

I only wanted a coffee so walked to the cash register, past the people at the counter.

In between customers, I asked for

a coffee, paid, and left.

My teenagers were mortified that I avoided the lineup, and called my actions rude.

Should I have entered the line with the other customers to wait to ask for a coffee? — Uncertain

ANSWER: I know you’d like me to note how efficiently you obtained your coffee with little delay to the waiting customers. And I can empathize with impatience, which I sometimes feel myself.

However, you were rude. We teach children to not butt in. But you did.

The parents waiting in line with their kids surely found you rude.

It wasn’t a great example for your teens. Tell them so and apologize.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman not told by her siblings that her mother was dying:

Reader 1: Shame on her siblings for not telling her the mother’s true condition.

She wrote you, asking: “Should I acknowledge them or keep them out of my life?”

I say value and importance are two strong determinants. Ask yourself, do you value them? Are they important to you? Do you miss them?

If yes, reach out to them. Should your answer be no, I need not say anything more about contact with them.

At this stage in your life, finding peace with other family members will be difficult. The relationship will never be the same as it was prior to the hurtful time.

Putting the pain behind you is a tough one. You’re dealing with, and grieving, the loss of your mother and grieving the loss of your family all at the same time.”

Reader 2: “Five years ago, my brother told our 90-year-old mom what an awful mother she’d been and that he never wanted to see her again. He’s since turned on all of his siblings.

He and his wife post on social media about the love they have for her family, so it’s clear they want nothing to do with any of us.

We’ve all had counselling and concluded that it’s best to keep him out of our lives for our mental health.

My mother’s been clear that under no circumstances is he to be told when she’s sick or dying. We plan to keep her wishes. In the writer’s case, if all of the siblings respected their mother's wishes, I suggest the excluded daughter should look to herself.

She knows why her siblings made the decision.

QUESTION: I was asked to be a friend’s bridesmaid and I’m thrilled. However, I was asked six months after others in the wedding party because I’m replacing a former bridesmaid.

The wedding’s in a year. I haven’t missed any pre-wedding parties (stag and doe, bridal shower, bachelorette, etc.), only the first bridal dress shopping.

However, am I really wanted in this position?

We’re good friends, but if I didn’t make the initial cut. then am I really deserving of being in the bridal party? — Should I Be Offended?

ANSWER: There’s no offence in being told honestly about replacement and being offered the honour.

Every bridal wedding-party list includes a “must-be” group, for example, sister, groom’s sister, best friend, and a second tier of close friends. That includes you and you should join in enthusiastically, as you deserve.

QUESTION: An acquaintance through mutual friends only initiates contact when she needs information. She’ll interrupt an answer to redirect the topic to herself or her children.

I’ve avoided her in group situations, answered questions minimally, but kept it friendly and light.

I’ve since learned that our whole group feels the same way.

We’ve started not inviting her, but keeping get-togethers quiet to not make her feel left out.

It seems silly to sneak around town, not share pictures on social media, etc.

How do we gracefully exit this relationship? — Delicate Distancing?

ANSWER: Someone has to have the courage to speak up, gently.

Otherwise, this is schoolyardstyle ostracism.

You’ve self-elected to care, so next time she asks a question, respond that it’s an uncomfortable dialogue when she doesn’t show any interest in you as a person.

Don’t hide. Tell her there’s a better approach. If she can’t or won’t change, that’s then her choice.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the young woman’s “whirlwind romance” with an older businessman:

Reader: If this man is angry and yells insults at her because she has a priority in her life (overdue taxes) that temporarily prevents her from being at his beck and call, that’s not love.

A good and loving partner would be supportive and patient, and even offer to help in some form.

It sounds like he’s too selfish for a serious relationship with her.

Three months into the relationship, she’s starting to see the cracks form in the carefully constructed image of his expressions of love. It’s she who should be judging him about this incident.

Ellie: His sudden turn towards nasty putdowns created loud alarms. TIP OF THE DAY Someone who’d rather cheat with you than love you freely and openly is best left behind.