Finding the naked truth
Question: I’m a young, attractive, recent college graduate working a decent job, who got married not long ago.
Previously, I’d lived with my parents. Moving in with my husband was the very first time I’ve shared accommodation with someone other than my immediate family.
Little did I know and came to learn after marriage that my hubby is a nudist.
He wears clothing on seldom occasions. He says we all should be living in “our natural form” in presence of loved ones.
He wants me to be totally nude in my birthday suit when I’m at home with him. He’d like me to be dressed only when third-party individuals are over (e.g. guests, extended family, friends).
He insists that I use the toilet and take a shower with the bathroom door fully open. He would also like me to be flatulent in his presence.
I’m unsure how I can react to this given that I’ve never been in the presence of anyone during my most private moments.
I’m not comfortable with any of his bizarre wishes. I’ve expressed my feelings of discomfort and I have told him that his peculiar requests make me feel uneasy.
He’s sympathetic and assures me that his requests are not “demands” but rather “acts of kindness” that I should undertake because, he says, a woman’s body should be admired in its natural form. Is there any way I can work out a compromise?
Answer: It takes two to compromise, and unfortunately you appear to be on your own.
You’re dealing with someone who thought it was OK to marry you without ever divulging his preference for nudity for both of you. He’s now calling the shots and couching it all as philosophy.
He’s entitled to his beliefs and when there’s mutual consent, nudity and living “naturally” are personal choices in private life (though not legal in most public places).
However, within your marriage, it’s a one-sided surprise approach without any compromises mentioned by him.
Unless he accepts that you can choose otherwise, and leaves off any pressure for you to change, this marriage won’t work.
Even if you start sharing the joy of nakedness at home, the foundation will have been laid for him to expect you to adapt to his will again and again. He misled you, purposefully.
You already find his open-door sharing of body functions in the bathroom “bizarre.”
Take a break away from him and his influence. Think through whether this is a marriage of equality and a relationship of mutual respect. Be sure of what you can accept, and what you cannot.
Question: My husband has two adult children (late 20s). Over the years, I’ve observed him to be a Martyr Dad.
He sacrificed many things and the kids always came first. Our relationship took a back seat.
It was difficult, but we got through it.
Now that his kids are adults on their own, it amazes me how little they appreciate their dad.
One example: not celebrating Father’s Day.
It makes me angry as I sense my husband’s disappointment and know that he doesn’t deserve the treatment he gets.
Help me understand this behaviour.
Answer: There’s likely two behaviours involved here:
• guilt-ridden over-compensation (aka “spoiling”) of children;
• The “entitlement” attitude of those nowadults who learned to manipulate their father’s guilt, rather than appreciate him for trying to please them.
These are sad but common realities in some post-divorce families.
Question: My granddaughter, 10, and a boy were invited to another girl’s house. After she was dropped off, the boy called, saying, “you won’t be invited there anymore because you were whispering to me and that’s bad manners. “
She does have a strict upbringing at home, but is still learning.
After that, the other girl stopped talking to my granddaughter though they were in the same classroom.
Something also happened last Halloween. The girls in class planned to walk together for “trick or treat,” so my daughter-in-law called the girl’s mother who agreed to call from a certain meeting point.
They never called, never apologized, never explained. My granddaughter was very hurt.
Answer: Social isolation is a form of bullying. Make sure the girl’s parents talk to school officials and teachers when school re-opens.
Email ellie@thestar.ca.