Controlling partner working his way back into woman’s life

QUESTION: Eighteen months ago, I moved our entire home out one day while my husband was at work.

The reason? Years of mental, emotional, and physical abuse.

He was also taking financial advantage of me and running me into debt.

I moved into my own house with my daughter.

He called for weeks, crying and begging me to return. I finally gave in to seeing him once only.

He’s worked his way back into my life again, and we’ve been “dating” but not living together.

Now his controlling ways have a hold on me again.

I hardly see friends or family. I’ve gained a lot of weight due to stress.

He says if I have one night out with anyone, even my mom, he’ll never see me again.

I’m scared to be alone now. I’ve lost the strength I had a year ago.

I don’t want to lose him, but feel trapped. Yet I can’t stomach the thought of him being with anyone else. — Lost

ANSWER: You’ve lost your resistance, but not yet yourself. You still have the smarts and the guts to write this cry for help.

Run! Get to an abused women’s shelter with your daughter, after you first make contact online from a neutral computer e.g. at a library.

They’ll connect you with legal help to assure you don’t lose your house and other assets.

They’ll find you counselling help. You’ll soon be mentally free to rebuild the confidence you had just a year ago.

This man is poisonous to you, and likely to your daughter, too. Whatever he does to ensnare you, the girl and you need to be free of his influence.

I repeat, Run! Make a safe plan and get going.

QUESTION: When I was age eight, the third oldest, my older brother babysat us three siblings while our parents went bowling.

He’d take me alone into the basement, tie me to a pole undressed, and spank me.

He’d leave me standing in the dark for

an hour, warning me that if I ever told our younger siblings or our parents, the spankings would be much worse.

I’m now 54, bisexual, and can’t rid myself of this spanking fetish for which I blame him.

I have depression and suicidal feelings, but have never seen a therapist. — Need Insight

ANSWER: Your perverse brother abused you cruelly, when you were an innocent child. You must get professional help, and it is available.

I urge you to immediately call or email a confidential Distress Centre (search Google for a local one).

Experienced helpers will listen, understand your pain and find the appropriate counselling for you.

FEEDBACK: Regarding “Beyond Fantasy,” who was considering turning a fantasy arrangement into a real threesome without telling his wife in advance:

Reader: My husband told me it turned him on to think of me having sex with another man while he watched.

I was fine with the fantasy, and we carried on that way for some years. He would pretend to be someone else that we knew.

Then, one day, he excitedly told me that he’d made arrangements with a paid male escort for that evening so that I could finally realize my fantasy of being with another man.

I was stunned. He told me to get ready, as we were meeting this man at a hotel.

I’ve never felt such panic or dismay in my life.

I said I had no interest in having sex with another man and that he was taking this fantasy much too far.

He got up and made a phone call. That was that, I thought.

However, every time we went on vacation, he’d scan the beach or bar and ask me to pick a guy with whom I’d like to have sex.

When I said I couldn’t find anyone, he’d get angry, saying I was ruining the fantasy.

One night, he saw me looking at a man for a bit too long and said he’d ask the guy to join us in our room for a drink and see what developed. I convinced him to forget about it. The fantasy was one thing but trying to make it real was a deal-breaker.

Our marriage was never the same after the escort incident and my life was miserable.

We’re no longer together. “Beyond Fantasy” needs to fully understand what’s at stake if he takes things too far.

QUESTION: After 20-plus years, I decided for my mental health that it was best to leave my difficult work environment.

I’m seeking employment until I can retire financially. I’ve sent out many resumes (advised how by an employment help office) and applied for jobs.

I’ve had no positive responses, no interviews. I’m beginning to feel like a failure.

I’d previously had therapy to deal with my former workplace issues. The recommendation was to find another job.

How can I boost my self-esteem and keep plugging away in the job market? — Discouraged

ANSWER: You’re not alone; many jobseekers say it’s not uncommon to take a year to get hired.

Keep active; don’t just stay at home seeking jobs online. Knock on doors wherever possible. Take any course that can boost your skills. See a career counsellor for new ideas.

Employers like confidence and persistence, so show it. Keep past workplace difficulties in the past. TIP OF THE DAY Don’t let a controlling partner isolate you. Make a safe escape plan for yourself and children. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.