Too many fights can weaken a relationship

QUESTION: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year. We live together, mostly happily.

I work full time in advertising. He’s building up a business.

I’m very supportive, helping him develop a stronger brand voice. I do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and lunches. He helps when he can.

But every four weeks, we have the same fight. I’m frustrated because his attention is always diverted elsewhere. I want him to make a priority of some time with me. He claims he’s too busy.

Yet he often engages in “working dinners” with friends (same industry) that seem more like nights of drinking. He also makes time for non-work-related relationships. He thinks the “in between” time together (before and after work, when others are around, etc.) should be sufficient. I understand having other commitments, but not his only being with me at 10 p.m. He comes home tired and stressed, and is on his phone till 12 a.m. when we go to bed. Just ordering a pizza and watching a movie together would be fine. Am I being a jerk asking for attention and time when he’s already so busy?

Seeking Middle Ground ANSWER: You’re not being a jerk and neither is he. But your cyclical head butting together-time is a warning bell. His busy mode is natural for this phase, work-wise. However, denying time for a pizza together (i.e. companionship) chips away at the relationship. Your frustration builds and you feel hurt. That’s the signal for any couple to look together at what you’re really building — a business, only? Or, a meaningful life together of not only achievements but also mutual emotional support? Make the conversation about that. You’re not just seeking crumbs from his precious time.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who learned that her new husband wants them both nude whenever they’re at home, and using the toilet with the door open (July 22):

READER — At 75, I now believe that couples should live together before marriage. It goes against my Catholic upbringing. But, if it were accepted, we wouldn’t have the case of the unfortunate soul who discovered that she’d married not just a nudist, but a nudist control freak. What is he going to be like when they have children? She should not just take a break. She should RUN! Ellie — Just as in the Reader’s Commentary above, I don’t want to answer people with a set formula. Some newlyweds might find it humiliating (or even frightening) to end a new marriage so fast.

A break hopefully gives her a chance to get away from his control without causing a rage reaction. If he does overreact, yes, run!

TIP OF THE DAY Repeated frustration, fights and too-little bonding time weaken a relationship. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.