Ellie says teenage girl has lost a lot more than just her boyfriend

QUESTION: My ex broke up because he lost feelings for me. After two weeks, he returned.

But even though I wanted him, I told him to leave me alone. He did.

A month ago, I sent him a message saying I’m still in love with him. Wrong move!

He replied that he thought I didn’t want to talk to him, and the conversation went downhill.

I kept saying clingy-sounding stuff, like “do you miss me?” I didn’t play it smart, now I’m stuck still loving him a year later and we were only in a relationship for one month (I knew him for a year before that).

He has a girlfriend — off-and-on for four months. They both seem happy and I’m depressed.

I don’t know how to make him jealous. She’s cute and short and I’m just this average girl.

I’m 16, and we’re both in high school. I was dumb and lost my virginity to him and I really want to give our relationship another go.

I just want my man back. He makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world, he’s funny, goofy, playful, and he cares about me.

I just need to know how to get him back. He seems very uninterested in me. I commented on one of his posts on Facebook and he didn’t say anything but was responding to the other girl’s comments. — Lost My Guy

ANSWER: You’ve lost yourself, and need to get you back.

You’re a teenager with years ahead and mustn’t waste your energy and inner spirit on one short-lived romance.

There will be better relationships in the future, especially once you recognize that any guy who says he’s “lost feelings” for you after just one month (even after he’s had sex with you), is insensitive and out for himself.

Just because he was your “first” doesn’t mean you owe him continued devotion. Sure he was funny and playful — he wanted to have sex. But after that, he was gone. Though you blame losing him on your “wrong” move, neither of you knew how to really talk about a relationship and build a bond, which isn’t surprising at your age.

In other words, despite what other teens may or may not be doing, you weren’t ready for a serious relationship with a sexual bond, and neither was he, at that time.

Trust me, he’s not your only chance for happiness with a guy. Hold your head high, stop trying to reach him — or you will appear needy and clingy, when you’re really just unsure of yourself.

When school starts again, be open to meeting new friends, trying new activities, sports, interests. Show that you’re confident and smart enough now to spot a charmer who’s after just one thing.

Value yourself enough to get to know someone and trust them before you get intimate. It’s still your choice.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the person whose friend is planning to leave his wife):

Reader: There are ethical questions missing, about having a friend who’s cheating on his spouse. It’s just so disrespectful to the spouse and terribly selfish. If you don’t wish to be with your spouse, have the spine to let them know, before sleeping with someone else.

Ellie: Of course, there are ethical questions a friend can ask — e.g. Have you told your spouse you’re unhappy? Have you sought counselling?

But friends sometime feel caught in the middle. However, I agree that they should ask leading questions to get the cheater thinking.

QUESTION: We’re 12 staff members collaborating on many projects. Most are agreeable, co-operative, and receptive. However, two strong-personality staff members are know-it-alls. They’re also highly educated and knowledgeable (great).

But they’re long-winded and prefer to speak/teach, not listen. They seek the last word. It feels like a tedious power struggle. What can I do to gain a more balanced work relationship, without conflict? — Workplace Doormats

ANSWER: Use diplomacy. Suggest that each collaborator circulate a summary of their thoughts ahead of a meeting. Do this yourself and get all to agree not to discuss them ahead.

Once gathered, say there’s no need for repeating the summaries, just for each stating a conclusion.

Say also, speaking generally, that there’s no “last word” in collaboration, only an agreed formula for moving forward.

Try this several times. If it doesn’t work, suggest that you seek a mediator to sit in on a couple of sessions and advise how to work together more equitably. TIP OF THE DAY Teenage relationships easily suffer from lack of maturity and self-confidence. Take it slow, build trust.

Email ellie@thestar.ca.