He’s had enough second chances
QUESTION: I’m 41; my son is 14. His father and I divorced 11 years ago. We still don’t get along.
I’ve been dating a man for two and a half years. He’s of a different cultural background though born and raised here. He lives with his family.
I have a professional job in health care and he drives a taxicab. He’s also divorced with a son, aged nine.
His divorce was chaotic and he didn’t see his son for almost two years. I’ve never met anyone in his family or his son.
When I complained, he cited cultural differences, fears about how his son and his ex-wife would react.
He worked six days weekly, often going without sleep on days when he had access to his son.
Still, the relationship was satisfying as we talked all the time, I felt cared for, he was very supportive of me, our sexual chemistry was very good, and it seemed we wanted the same things out of a relationship.
I ignored some red flags because of my feelings for him.
A year into our relationship, he messaged my co-worker that her husband had made a pass at me.
He felt she had a right to know. I told him that he had no right to do this as it could’ve negatively impacted on my career and professional relationships. I forgave him after a week of fighting. Several months later, he texted (from my phone) a colleague/friend whom I’d dated in the past, inviting him for sex.
It was very awkward as the man was willing and pleased to get the message.
I discovered this moments later. I had to call and explain that I did not want sex, and why he got that text, embarrassing him and myself. My boyfriend, who’d been drinking, said he wanted to “test” if this person had feelings for me, and that he might’ve felt a little jealous.
He apologized; I broke up with him, and took him back within weeks.
Recently, he and my son argued while we were out eating. My son was critical of him and he responded by criticizing his father. Worse, he disclosed some things that I didn’t wish my son to know — that his father was abusive to me and uses marijuana. Now, he’s apologetic.
I’ve ended the relationship and think it’s unwise to give him another chance.
He says that if we truly love each other we should work through things to find a way forward.
I don’t think I can risk giving him another chance, but would like your opinion.
— Wavering
ANSWER: I don’t have a crystal ball but his own actions take this beyond guesswork: You could easily one day have to choose between him and your son.
Why? He has no filter. His jealousy or insecurity takes hold and he acts impulsively, without regarding the consequences to you.
If you stay together, your male friendships at work will easily be suspect, and your son will be seen as a competitor for your attention, not as a child of his new “family.”
Then there’s the unknown factor of his first family, which is still a dark mystery being kept from you.
Will his ex-wife make your life miserable? Will she again keep his son away so he isn’t exposed to you? And will your quick-reacting boyfriend blame you?
He has already had two good chances. A third could cause long-term problems for everyone.
QUESTION: When does a man stop wanting sex? I’m 78, with seven grandchildren. My husband’s 82. He never stops chasing me. I’m very tired. Sex is very uncomfortable. I explain this to him, to no avail. I tried talking to our family doctor, but didn’t like his comments.
— Tired Nonna
ANSWER: There’s no age restriction on sex, only personal choice.
It’s affected by a person’s level of energy and desire, comfort with sex, self-image regarding age, health, etc. You feel you’re finished with sex, he’s not.
Your doctor might’ve said that sexual intercourse can be more comfortable by using lubricant cream to counter vaginal dryness. That’s usually helpful, though not always. You could try — or not.
Also, showing affection — cuddling in bed, holding hands, expressing love — can sometimes raise desire. He could try that instead of chasing you.
The answer is between you two. Show him my response. See if you both want to give it a try — or not. TIP OF THE DAY You don’t need a fortune-teller to see how the red flags can become too many to allow a relationship to grow.
Email ellie@thestar.ca.