Ask Ellie: Attractive, sexy woman can’t find lasting love
QUESTION: I’m an attractive, sexy, fit and independent woman, 37, who wonders, “Why can’t I find lasting love?”
I divorced eight years ago, it was mutual. We learned after marrying that we both had growing up to do still.
I worked on my career and enjoyed being single, until I fell deeply in love.
He was smart, funny, business-minded, responsible and very caring about me. And the sex was fantastic.
But even after spending every weekend together, travelling together, and texting or talking every night for almost a year, he admitted he “could not” say he loved me.
He said he’d been hurt too much in the past. He’d retreat when I was my most loving.
I understood and was patient until I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to be loved, too.
I worked hard at getting over him. I reconnected with my women friends and started eating healthier to feel better about myself and strong emotionally.
When I met a new guy months ago, I took it slow. Friends told me he was known to be distant to almost everyone, and he soon confided that he had personal “issues.” So we just talked and became closer friends.
He changed and became warm and affectionate and wanted to be my exclusive boyfriend, and we connected sexually.
It was wonderful for a couple of months, then suddenly he went cold with no explanation, wanting only to be alone.
So where does that leave me? Alone, confused, hurt. What am I doing wrong? — Need Love Too
Answer — You’re doing nothing unusual or “wrong,” but ending up in relationships where you’re wrong for each other.
By your mid-30s, you and the men you date have had adult experiences that strongly affect attitudes and reactions.
The first guy was so deeply hurt before he met you, that he couldn’t trust or accept that love could be lasting.
The other had issues which were so at the surface that his friends warned you. He warmed to you, but couldn’t stay so close.
You weren’t the problem for either man. They carried that baggage themselves.
Here’s what you need to know about seeking love at this stage:
You have baggage too. Everyone does. Get it out in the open early on — say upfront that you’re now interested in the long-term, not in casual dating only.
Watch for early signs that some potential dates hold deep-rooted bitterness towards past partners, or speak of very dysfunctional former relationships, or have hang-ups, fears, or anxieties that seem unusually strong.
Look to yourself, too. Women can be just as prone to bitterness, fears, and anxieties about past relationships and distrust of future ones.
Enjoy meeting new people and considering dating them, but don’t rush your judgment or your feelings.