Hard to trust boyfriend who cheated and kept it secret

QUESTION: Towards the end of last year, I learned from a friend/co-worker that my boyfriend of six years cheated on me during the first year of our relationship and had a child with the woman.

He kept the child and cheating a secret from me this whole time, even though he has his child 50 per cent of the time.

I guess he’s a great liar.

I tried to work through things, forgive him and accept his child, but I’m having problems trusting him and moving forward.

Something in my gut doesn’t feel right, and I know I can’t marry him or trust him enough to have a child with him myself.

Is this something I should and can work through? Is it even worth it?

ANSWER: You don’t mention loving him — a clear sign that you’re feeling emotional distancing from him.

Add your distrust and you’re absolutely right to not marry or have a child with him. Maybe not at all, but certainly not until you’ve resolved your feelings about what’s happened.

You’ve written all about him, when the focus of how to move on should be directly about you.

Does he bring enough to the relationship to continue as your partner?

Has he been contrite, apologetic and explained why he felt it was OK to cheat on you?

It sounds like you’re the only one bending over backwards to make this work.

You need a true partner — offering love, comfort, affection, as well as shared responsibilities.

If my questions are hard to answer, you’d benefit by talking to an individual counsellor to figure out whether staying with him is right for you.

Email ellie@thestar.ca.