Leave boyfriend immediately

QUESTION: My boyfriend of two years refuses to tell me anything about his ex-girlfriends.

Recently, I found out that he and his ex-girlfriend were involved in domestic violence incidents where he was charged with assault.

Although he’s never physically hurt me during our relationship, I’m terrified that he will repeat his past behaviour and become violent against me in the future.

He loves me much and I’m scared to confront him about his past.

Should I leave him? Should I stay in the relationship and pretend that I don’t know anything?

ANSWER: Walk away, immediately, to a safe place. I didn’t say, run, because I’m hoping you can just leave without having to confront him while alone with him, nor give him reason to suspect that you’re leaving.

Once you are somewhere where you feel safe — whether with your parents, a close trusted friend, or a women’s shelter if necessary, you can contact him and explain that you have reasons to no longer trust his behaviour to you.

He has kept secrets including a serious charge of violence against a girlfriend, plus other incidents.

The fact that he’s never hurt you doesn’t give confidence that he won’t, because he hasn’t acknowledged his past and assured you that he’s changed from then.

He just didn’t want you to know. That’s a red flag as a control move, considering that there’s already been previous domestic violence in his relationships.

Being scared of a boyfriend’s potential for an assault is unacceptable. You’ve already shown that by reaching out with this information. Controllers commonly “love a lot,” but you do not love him and should not love him enough to risk your safety. Leave.

QUESTION: My husband had a crush on a co-worker. He says he fell in love with her and never loved anyone this much in his entire life. He said she was his soul-mate. I found out that he was in love with her but that nothing happened sexually. He wants to work things out in our marriage. But I can’t get past the fact that he loved someone more than me.

I can’t forgive him and I can’t trust him. I don’t know what to do.

ANSWER: It’s hard to know what he meant by love for a woman he didn’t want to sleep with or marry. He wants to stay in the marriage, but doesn’t explain why, either.

He seems to have deep emotions locked up within himself. But naturally, you can’t just accept that and carry on.

The next step has to be his finding a therapist with whom he can probe what did occur between them and then explain it to you.

A condition of staying together should be his truthful telling to you what he learns about himself in the counselling process.

His crush or connection with his co-worker must’ve triggered a reaction. It wasn’t lust. It wasn’t wanting to change his way of life.

An experienced therapist will draw out the reasons for his reaction to her. It may not have had anything to do with you at all, but perhaps something from his past.

I’m not guessing here, just suggesting that there’s some answer he needs to find in therapy and bring back to you. To help you respond, you may then want your own counselling, or insist on going together for couples therapy.

If you decide to try again, it can help you make together whatever changes in your marriage become obviously necessary.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca.