Give your friend space to pursue his romance

QUESTION: My closest guy friend has been dating someone younger than us. We’re both 33, she’s 27.

I’ve tried to be nice to her but she’s not interested in getting to know me.

This is a problem for my friend and me as we’ve been hanging out for years.

We even rented a house together in college along with two other guys and a girl dating one of them.

But we’ve stayed the closest, until his current romance.

I think she may be jealous. My friend used to joke that we were each other’s “fallback,” if we both aren’t married by 35.

This new girlfriend seems serious about him, and pretty controlling. She decides where they’re going out, who else with, etc.

He goes along with her wishes, even though he still tries to find time to hang out with me.

Should I fight for our friendship to survive, with or without her? How can I convince her that I’m not the enemy? — His Controlling Girlfriend

ANSWER: Those college days of roomies and besties are over. The new girlfriend wants “her” guy to herself.

She likely suspects that you two have been, or could be, lovers.

If you’re truly caring of your longtime friend, examine your own “fallback” thoughts.

Have you been quietly taking this for granted, and now feel worried that you may be left behind?

Or, have you taken the friendship for granted and not listened closely enough to recognize that he’s going along with what she wants.

Be the friend you say you are. Talk to him. You both need to respect his new relationship and see where it goes.

If she’s jealous of you, he won’t be able to reassure her that you’re just a friend, until she feels secure with him. Give them space.

QUESTION: I’m 60, single, pretty attractive, in good shape. I’ve met a man, 55.

I worked for his wife 20 years ago but didn’t know him then. They married and split several years ago, but stayed close.

She became very ill and died two years ago. I reached out to say how sorry I was. Several months later, he reached out and we met online.

We fell in love. It was intense but wonderful for 15 months. He told me he “loved” me. We talked about moving in, maybe even marrying.

Unfortunately, during that time, his close relative was murdered.

Now he says he still loves me but needs to be by himself.

He thinks he should focus on his career, finances, his parents, etc. Neither of us have kids.

I know I have to move on but am wondering if he might look back and come back. Or, was I just the rebound after his ex-wife died?

I never thought I’d fall in love at 60 and now I feel that was my last chance.

What are your thoughts on this? — Loved and Lost

ANSWER: He suffered an unexpected loss, and then was hit with a shocking tragedy. It’s not uncommon for someone to react to a double whammy of emotions by retreating into what’s most basic, steady and familiar in life — his job, his security of finances, his aging parents.

He’s shaken, wary of change. He may still love you, but the future is unknown.

Stay in whatever contact he can handle, but don’t push him.

You haven’t “lost” all that you shared. It may turn into a friendship, or a love that sustains you both without marrying, or who knows? TIP OF THE DAY When a best friend finds romance, it’s about that person’s happiness, not about being left behind.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday in The Daily Courier. Email ellie@thestar.ca