The empty chair at Christmas

For the parents of small children, Christmas can be the most wonderful time of the year. But for all-grown-up kids who have recently lost a parent, the season of joy can be a daunting time.

Every week, the pages of this newspaper contain dozens of obituaries that mark the passing of loved ones; in more cases than not, such notices signify the loss of a parent and the certainty there will be an empty chair at a family’s next holiday gathering.

Loss and grief are difficult to deal with at any time of the year, but during the festive season, the loss of a parent can make it seem as if happiness has been yanked out from under your feet. It can feel as if celebrations should come to a grinding halt when the people who have given you comfort and joy for every Christmas of your life have been taken from you.

Ribbon-wrapped gifts and festive overeating aside, this is a time of year dedicated to memories. Like Ebenezer Scrooge, we are haunted by the ghosts of our Christmases past. It’s not the presents we remember, so much as the time spent as a family and the traditions that have been handed down to us -- traditions many of us now pass on to our own children.

The power of memory is such that even the smallest things can become emotionally charged.

Decorating a tree, experiencing the familiar smell of holiday baking or removing a beloved ornament from its battered cardboard box can unleash a flood of emotion.

But coming to grips with grief and loss at this otherwise festive time of year is not a bad thing.

Memories, it has been said, are what bring us roses in December, and remembering the love of a parent is magical, even if it brings a certain amount of pain and sadness. It is important to embrace such memories, because they are what keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and minds. It seems trite to say the pain of loss will lessen with time, but it’s true.

The best way those grown-up children can honour their departed parents is by keeping their memories alive, which can be accomplished by carrying on a timeworn family tradition, or by starting a new tradition that teaches the next generation of children about the value of remembering.

Don’t try to tamp down your emotions out of some concern you’ll ruin Christmas for everyone.

Instead, do something specific to pay tribute to a lost parent, whether it’s lighting a memory candle or hanging a special ornament that serves as a reminder.

And don’t feel guilty if, even just for a moment, you find yourself feeling the joy of Christmas.

At this time of year more than any, it’s possible to feel both happy and sad in the same heartbeat.

No, Christmas will never be the same. But that’s OK -- the empty chair serves as an opportunity to celebrate differently, an opportunity to turn tears into laughter.

And there will come a time when memories bring more joy than tears; that’s the way it’s meant to be, and that’s exactly what your parents would wish for you.

If a parent wishes anything for a child, it is a wish for joy that lasts a lifetime, and hope for a bright and shining future.

And that’s a gift we can be grateful for having received, and happy to be able to give.