Older man afraid to commit
QUESTION: I’ve been dating a man 20-plus years older than me, for three years. He’s going through a divorce.
We love each other deeply and have travelled together. I’ve met his friends, mother and siblings. He has met my teenage son and my family.
However, his two adult children haven’t met me. Whenever we’re invited to a family function, I cannot attend.
They feel their mother is being replaced.
I also don’t know where our relationship’s going. We don’t discuss long-term plans, like living together or getting married. — Two Big Issues
ANSWER: Is it his kids or him? After three years, mature people who love each other must each feel validated by the other, publicly. It means telling grown children that you’re a couple. And can’t keep being excluded.
He apparently moved into this romance early in his divorce process.
He needs to tell them that, while he respects their relationship with their mother, his marriage is over.
The bigger issue: does he really want a next phase for your relationship?
Or is he contented with a date romance and vacations together? Time to ask.
Waiting around for the topic to arise is frustrating and foolish. If it’s important for you to know now, say so. Once discussed, other issues will become easier to handle.
READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding the on-off girlfriend who wants to be “just friends:”
She’s hardly offering crumbs. She’s offering the reality that it’s time to move on.
She’s always been on-off, but he has not accepted this. He’s expected something more.
Her career progression may mean heavy time commitment for months or years or a change in city or country, and a new lifestyle or circle of friends.
Does she struggle over “can he move with me and settle well in a new city, or should I give up that chance and stay with him?”
She apparently doesn’t see a longterm future with him so she’s winding things up. But she wants to end it in a friendly and respectful manner.
Even if she doesn’t really plan to stay “just friends,” is it so wrong to sugar coat it?
ELLIE: Yes. If she’s offering reality, she has to be honest. Offering “friendship” gives false hope, especially when there’s been on-off history.
It would leave him hoping that she’ll still call, email, ask him to visit, etc. All just crumbs. She’s over him. QUESTION: I’ve attended a biker church for three years. We praise the Lord and rev our Harleys. We’re a loving, hugging bunch.
But there’s one man whom I don’t want to hug. When he’s (rarely) talked with me, he immediately tuned out.
I figure he doesn’t really want to be friends, so I’ve distanced myself (but it’s a very small church).
Now he makes a big deal of it. (“Where’s my hug?”) I feel uncomfortable but I’m certain his intentions aren’t sexual.
How can I set boundaries with this man without looking like a jerk? How can I hug everybody except him?
Should I endure the discomfort or find a new church? — How To Un-hug Someone?
ANSWER: Try this. Step back and pat his arm. If he makes a fuss that others see/hear, just say, casually, “Hey, you’re the guy who doesn’t listen to my conversation.” He may explain himself, or not. Stay with the church you like. TIP OF THE DAY After three years together you have every right to ask whether there’s a future with a person you love. Email ellie@thestar.ca