Let kids see you after split
QUESTION: I’ve been separated for seven months. Our three kids (21, 18, 14) live with their mom. All three no longer speak to me. My ex-wife painted me as the bad guy who left, despite my enduring a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for years. I’m seeking counselling guidance on how to work things out with my kids.
I’ve offered to pay for the whole family to seek counselling.
What else can I do to help mend the relationship with my kids?
Also, when and how should I introduce my new girlfriend? I’ve been seeing her for a few months and feel I have a future with her.
Not the Bad Guy
A: Now is not the time to introduce your girlfriend.
Your kids can do the math: Dating someone seriously since seven months after leaving the family. She may be great, but the kids won’t be open to getting to know her until they’re open to talking to you.
On mending your relationship with them: Go slow. Keep up your own counselling.
Don’t pressure them to get counselling (they may see that as blaming them for the breakup). You need contact before you can influence them to get help adjusting.
Ex-spouses often blame the partner who left, that’s not new; however, it’s wrong to only cast blame one way, because the emotional effect on kids of parents’ splitting up, is often harsh — feeling ‘abandoned’ by a parent, having their life made complicated, and embarrassment among their friends.
Be their father in spirit and understanding. Email them, phone even if they hang up, show up at school events even if they don’t acknowledge you (but avoid any scenes).
Stay hopeful. Offer to meet each one for lunch somewhere. Listen to their stories. Don’t tell them yours.
Time will help you handle this period better, if you’re open to their needs without imposing your own.
FEEDBACK Regarding the ‘perfect man’ whose behaviour changed and he admitted to depression but refuses to seek professional help (Jan 10):
Reader — Speaking as someone who knows this situation all too well, there’s no need to read in between the lines here because he gave her the answer.
But I don’t think she wanted to hear his refusal to do anything about his depression.
He knows he has a problem, and has made it clear (especially after snapping at her when she attempted to offer help) that he’s not interested in addressing his issues.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
She says she doesn’t want to leave him and still sees a future with him. That’s fine, as long as she’s okay with a future that’s exactly the same as it is now.
He won’t change, and at some point her voluntarily wasted effort and claims of exhaustion will just make her a martyr.
TIP OF THE DAY Children need persistent gentle contact, e.g. emails, phone calls, texts, even if rejected, to know the separated parent still loves them. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow her on Twitter @ellieadvice.