Wife is sick and in pain, but hubby’s mind is stuck on sex
QUESTION: I’ve been ill for three of my four married years.
I’ve now been diagnosed with interstitial cystitis. It’s chronic, painful and incurable.
Medications and physiotherapy help somewhat, but our sex life’s irregular — from two to three times weekly to once a month. Sometimes sex is extremely painful. My husband has been supportive but increasingly frustrated.
He has said that he cannot live this miserably and with uncertainty regarding a physical relationship.
I cannot offer him certainty of a regular sex life.
I’ve considered finding a third person to meet his needs, but found no one yet.
He has asked that I find a solution within a set timeline or else he’s out. — Time Running Out
ANSWER: Interstitial cystitis causes severe chronic bladder pain, plus pain in the remaining pelvic regions. You’re suffering far more than he is. Since sex still can happen between two-to-three times weekly and once-monthly, adding alternatives like masturbation and oral sex for him, could provide more regular satisfaction.
Unless he’s scared for the long-term implications, and really wanting out. His issuing of a threatening timeline indicates that.
A “third-person-solution” is problematic. Your husband could become emotionally attached. You could become jealous of his time with another.
Talk to your doctor together. Seek other helpful treatments (dietary changes may benefit this condition).
Seeing a sex therapist together could also be informative and add positive ideas.
But your husband has to accept what being supportive really means: Adjusting to blameless circumstances, and trying hard to make the marriage work for both of you.
QUESTION: My parents split up when I was 10. My father moved far away with his girlfriend for four years. I wasn’t allowed to see or hear from him. He moved closer, and we had a once-monthly relationship until I was 18.
After I went to university, got married and had children, we saw each other three or four times a year, until I was 30.He was always criticizing my weight, my life choices, my education, my career choice. He put me down and made me feel it was impossible to please him. But I put up with it.
He was also critical of my kids. I realized that I didn’t want him in their lives. So I didn’t see him anymore.
I didn’t answer the phone and he very quickly stopped calling.
I’m still not angry with him and I still don’t blame him. He didn’t know how to be parental.He’s now 75 and recently lost his wife.
He’s contacted my cousin, giving his phone number and asking that I contact him.
I still have no ill-will towards him, but I don’t want him in my life.
I’m 50. I don’t want to open the door to somebody who would criticize my weight, my kids, and my husband.
However, my sister is struggling. I’ve told her that she has to make her own decision
Have I done the right thing? — Detached But Wondering
ANSWER: There’s no “right thing” in this sad account. True, he had no parenting skills and clearly also lacked the emotional depth to show love.
Yet periodically, he tried. Now he’s alone and reaching out.
Understandably, you don’t feel you owe him an invitation into your current life — yet you wonder. For that reason, you could simply call, see what he wants and listen to what he says.
Then, you can either comfortably confirm your decision to stay detached, or see him once, or visit him with your sister if that feels easier.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman who’s trying to choose between her husband and her lover:
Reader: This women is married and the affair she’s having was not inevitable.
She chose to cheat on her husband. She had several options regarding her marriage, such as seeking counselling and figuring out what she wanted.
Perhaps her marriage might’ve been salvageable, but since she has betrayed her husband, I doubt this will be possible.
She says neither of the men know about each other. That sounds like she’s enjoying the attention from both men. Relationships that begin as a result of cheating rarely survive.
Once the excitement of sneaking around is replaced with the hard work of actually living together, things quickly deteriorate.
She needs to take responsibility for her actions and stop shifting blame onto her husband. There’s a right and wrong way to end a marriage. Cheating isn’t the right way. TIP OF THE DAY When a health challenge affects sexual intercourse, try different intimate acts and work on the relationship.
Email ellie@thestar.ca