Cheating, lying husband only getting worse

QUESTION: I’m 34, a mother of two children married for five years.

In my marriage, I’ve experienced so many horrible things — my husband cheating, coming home late without any excuse, sleeping away from home at night, not communicating with me, etc.

With all that, I stood firm hoping things will change. But it’s getting worse by the day. He’ll go out, not return, and won’t phone to say anything. He changed his job without telling me.

I took his phone one-day and listened to a voicemail from a woman, discussing her pregnancy. And many more calls, which are heartbreaking.

Any time I want to sit him down and talk, he’s not ready.

I’ve loved him and done so many things for him out of love. Now I’m tired of him and I want a divorce.

— Is This Still Love?

ANSWER: No, this is not love on his part. It’s also not respect for you, nor responsibility for his children, let alone no regard for his marriage vows.

You are also beyond loving or respecting this man.

The rejection and isolation he has been showing you makes it almost impossible for you to save this marriage unless there’s clear and open explanations from him about what’s going on in his “outside” life.

Yet, no couple with children should just end a marriage without some understanding of what’s happened.

You need to be pro-active now, not a victim of his behaviour and silence about it.

Get legal advice — especially to know your rights to matters of custody and child support.

He also needs similar advice, despite his seeming indifference to the effects of ignoring his wife and children.

If legal costs are an issue for you, first do a search online about the laws on separation, child custody, etc. in your jurisdiction, and also whether there’s a family court clinic or legal aid clinic you can attend.

Also, check that your finances for household expenses, and yours and the children’s needs are secure, so that you’re not suddenly left without money.

You’d be wise to sit down with your bank manager to discuss the best way to handle this.

Meanwhile, when you next see your husband, simply say: “Divorce and Counselling.” (If you don’t actually see him, leave a note or a message on his phone).

It’ll snap him alert to the seriousness of your reaction.

It will at least start a conversation between you about what’s happening and where it’s leading, unless he explains his actions and starts making serious changes.

QUESTION: My family is in the wedding party of friends we’ve known for three years.

I’m a groomsman; my wife’s a bridesmaid, my son a ring-bearer and my daughter a flower girl.

We’re touched to be asked. However, I’m spending more than any other guest, with tuxes, dresses, hair and make-up to cover.

How much should I spend for bridal-shower gifts and wedding gifts?

— Don’t want to be Cheap

ANSWER: While these friends have honoured your family greatly, they probably don’t realize your costs, being consumed with their own wedding bills.

Nevertheless, you have to consider what’s affordably generous for your own budget.

Assess what you’d normally pay as wedding guests — sometimes calculated as the approximate cost of your “plate” e.g. around $150 per adult, less per child, say a total of $400. If that feels “cheap,” consider $500 to $600.

The bridal shower gift is separate and should reflect the close friendship, but again, within your means.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the couple concerned with work and getting pregnant:

Reader: My spouse and I faced a similar situation. He has a permanent position in his field, and I was on contract.

We wanted to start a family, but there’d been talk at my company of opening a permanent position.

We held off awhile, but since nothing changed, I figured I’d become resentful if I kept waiting on work to have a baby. So we started trying.

The job did open, within two days of me discovering I was pregnant.

I was concerned about what people would think if I accepted a job knowing I’d have a baby. But I figured that, in 2018, I could have it all.

I applied for the job, disclosed my pregnancy in the interview, although I wasn’t obligated to, and got hired.

Family is important to me, but so is my career. I’ve worked hard for both. TIP OF THE DAY When a spouse refuses to explain rejection of home and marriage, get legal, financial advice towards a likely breakup.

Email ellie@thestar.ca