Man builds wall, doesn’t plan on tearing it down

QUESTION: I’m 35, he’s 41. We’ve dated for three years, both don’t want kids.

He has firmly stated that he never wants to get married or cohabitate.

An ex once tried to scam him financially when their relationship dissolved. He’s scared of it happening again.

I’d happily sign a pre-cohabiting agreement, or pre-nuptial if he wanted marriage.

I’m not interested in his money, and never pursued past lovers for money post-relationship.

He warned me from the start that he won’t say that he loves me.

He shows he cares for me by cooking dinner, giving massages and helping with the occasional chore.

I’m feeling that there’s going to be no natural progression to our relationship. I question, What’s the point of it? I sometimes feel a bit rejected as well. I do love him. Do I settle for what I have now? Or should I let go and find another who wants those extra relationship goals like a shared space, marriage, and “I love yous”?

ANSWER: He has constructed a secure fence around the possibility of a future.

And he has shared little of himself — occasional chores and making some dinners (?) — beyond sometime companionship and sex. I ask you, What’s the point? You’ve hung in long enough. After three years’ dating, it’s insulting if he still suspects that you might take advantage of him financially. Either he knows and respects your character, or he doesn’t.

And banning the word “love” from his lips is a cold-hearted control tactic.

Break it off and tell him why. You want love in your life and a true companion who wants to share his life with yours, not just do favours to keep you hoping.

If he responds by walking away willingly, better now than later.

QUESTION: Seven years ago I met a man in the band playing in the bar that night. There was lots of staring at each other across the room and cute little stuff.

I went to a lot of his shows and finally got his number.

One night when he again was playing there and I, of course, was drunk and stuff, I finally went home with him and had the best night ever.

He said, “Yeah, we can talk and see each other again.” But I never heard from him again.

I get that it was a one-night stand. But after all these years I can’t get over him. He’s all I think about and I wonder, Did I do something wrong?

I know there was something between us. I just can’t get over him for some reason.

ANSWER: What was between you was the obvious possibility of that one-night stand.

You presented yourself as totally ready — “of course drunk and stuff,” hanging around repeatedly — and he responded, once. There was no “more” there. However, your urge to connect with this guy — was not “doing something wrong,” if you could handle that kind of encounter.

Unfortunately, you fantasized that there was a romantic link between you and then felt rejected when it wasn’t there.

Seven years of feeling badly about it is too long.

It’s time to see a counsellor and talk about why this fairly common type of disappointment has hit you so hard.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Mostly, you built up unrealistic expectations, initially fuelled by alcohol and whatever else.

Counselling can help you look back at it realistically, put it behind you, and then move forward in your dating life.

FEEDBACK: Regarding a woman’s decision whether to tell a man, almost 50, the long-held secret that his “father” was not his birth father:

Reader: My husband discovered at age 75 that the man whom he thought was his father was not.

He learned this when our son began researching our DNA and ancestry.

In our case everyone who might have known the circumstances has died.

But what we learned from this is that such things can no longer be kept secret.

Ellie: Yes, anyone who’s seeking genealogy and historical information, can stumble upon facts that come as a total and sometimes upsetting surprise.

In this case, the woman hadn’t seen the “son” in 15 years and couldn’t know how the news would affect him.

I suggested she meet with him first, discern whether he should know for health issue reasons, and whether he could handle such disruptive news. TIP OF THE DAY If you want an open future in a relationship, don’t hang onto someone who’s already closed the doors. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday Email ellie@thestar.ca Follow @ellieadvice