Mass power outage would force us to talk

Recently the TV and computer went out for three very long days. It became so quiet around the house; it got so bad by day three I started talking to my wife.*

I’d like to say that I was just kidding, but it’s true. On most days, Poopsie and I would hang out in front of the boob-tube — like a couple of boobs.

The TV would just drone on and on as we made our way from the living room to the kitchen and inevitably to the wiz-boom-room.

With all that unexpected spare time, I had time to contemplate everything from the moon to the stars — then it struck me what would I do if the sun struck us?

Then it dawned on me. We’d be in the dark.

Just think of the consequences — we’d have to talk!

If a (CME) coronal mass ejection were to hit the grid, it could fry everything from your television to your phone, even to your ability to flush your wiz-boom-room.

The first ones to go stir-crazy would be the teenagers. Can you imagine how dangerous that would be? And it would only get worse from there.

Unfortunately, teenagers would have to be the first ones to be eaten. I don’t think an apocalyptic society could stand to hear someone whine: “I miss my phone and my squirrel is overcooked.”

If a person only had a gas generator, a TV and a DVD player — they’d also need a gun — because people would kill to see a movie. The civilized urban hipsters would be among the first to perish in a dog eat dog world, and I’m talking about eating real dog. After all, what good is a BMW without gas, when a horse eats nothing but grass?

You may think my words are crass, but it wouldn’t take long before it got real ugly out there, and a yummy Yorkie would become a doggy treat.

Who knows, maybe we’d be better off to trim the fat and let the cream rise to the top. People with skills and wits will emerge from the scorched Earth, and hopefully build a new and improved TV.

A CME would cripple communications, food supplies and medicines. It would take years, even decades before we could complain: “There’s nothing on TV!”

Today, society laughs at the traditional ways of people like the bush people of South Africa, Australian Aboriginals and North American Natives. Modern mankind should show these resourceful people some respect and more kindness too — who knows, maybe the Eskimos will be the ones laughing as they repopulate the world.

We shouldn’t worry about a CME, we should prepare for it. If we can put a man on the moon and women in pushup bras, we have the technology to build a bulletproof television, so spouses everywhere can stay happily married.*

I know that I’m addicted to my electric buzz, but there is an upside to losing our electric connections. It wouldn’t be very long before articulate conversations became the norm and hand-written script would become all the rage.

The arts would flourish. Painters, poets and stage actors would become locally famous. Hopefully mimes would still get beat up.*

* To all the people who thought I was disparaging Pooky-wooky or the institution of marriage, you probably haven’t been married for very long. As for the mimes: shut up! Bernie Bates is a longtime columnist with Westside Weekly. To contact the writer: beeinthebonnet@shaw.ca